Santa's Celebrity Naughty List 2006

Welcome back to another exciting week (well, at least for me, I guess) of The View from the Front Seat. Not many people know this, and I'll likely get in a little trouble for mentioning it, but Santa has partnered with our company, Cross the Line Designs, to provide many of the beautiful apparel items that people will be finding under their tree this Christmas AND new for this year, Santa wanted us to do up a little something for those who shouldn't be expecting anything from him this Christmas. They're all going to receive one of our "special" t-shirts, letting everyone know how naughty they've been.

The reason I'm telling you this is because, as a result, we know who has made Santa's Naughty List this Christmas ... and if you promise not to blab it all over the blogosphere, I'll let you in on the secret. There are far too many people who've been naughty this year to actually tell you about, so I'll limit it to Santa's Naughty Celebrity List and I'll also let you in on some of the additional commentary Santa (personally) provided to justify their inclusion. Ok ... here goes ... not in any particular order ... I think Santa may have been a little tipsy when we were speaking ...

1. Britney Spears - From what I can gather, Santa himself did not have a big problem with Britney. Santa tells me that it was actually Mrs. Claus that's responsible for Britney's inclusion on the list this year. Mrs. Claus is a little "old school" and, frankly, finds shaving a little distastefully unnatural and certainly not becoming of a respectable young lady. Strangely, she didn't mention anything about the lack of under-garments. Does that mean what I think it means? My, my Mrs. Claus, that's gotta be real cold to do at the North Pole. By the way, Santa wanted me to tell you, when he says "ho ho ho" to you Britney, he really doesn't mean what you think ... promise. And one more thing ... we're also sending you one of our nicest thongs with your On Santa's Naughty List t-shirt.
2. Richard Hatch and Wesley Snipes - Talk about the odd couple .... it was Santa who grouped you together, not me. Why are rich folks always doing stupid stuff like this? You have the money ... pay your freaking taxes and stop being so greedy; it's insulting to us folks who don't have the money, but still pay our taxes. And stop blaming everyone else; you knew what you were doing. "You made a deal with the Survivor producers?" Whatever! But you know what? It's not the tax evasion thing that would put Richard Hatch on my list .... I'm still far from over seeing his naked, fat ass on that beach. I'm scared to go to the beach now. Did you hear him complaining about he saw the producers smuggling food to the other contestants? He looks like he ate one of the other contestants. But on the bright side, Richie will be one of the most popular guys in the prison ....
3. Michael Richards and Mel Gibson - Being joint recipients of the "True Colors" award, has firmly entrenched these two ignorant lunatics "On Santa's Naughty List." Santa's a little upset that you think we're all so dumb to believe that you're "not really racist." Guys ... if you're not racist ... it doesn't occur to you to say those things if you're drunk or upset or whatever your excuse is ... I mean come on, Mel, we don't hate you for all of those crappy movies you make or are in ..... oh, well, I guess maybe some of us do .... sorry.
4. Eddie Murphy - Eddie, Eddie, Eddie ..... that's one of the oldest male tactics in the book ... deny and hope it goes away. I dunno Eddie ... Mel B. sure seems certain about this one. You're starting to look a little silly now, so the best thing I think you can do is start trying to make amends for your "temporary insanity" by shopping now for those baby clothes (if you need help, Cross the Line Designs has some great designs for the kids).
5. Lindsay Lohan and Gus the Camel - For Santa, this one fell under the "Who's the bigger lush?" category. Now Santa's not going to argue that either Lindsay or Gus would be fun to have at your Christmas party, but Santa will tell you you gotta make sure you have enough liquor there, or it's gonna be a short night. On the plus side, Lindsay seems to have recognized her problem and is getting help, which should be applauded; it won't get her off the Naughty List, but it's still a good thing. Gus, on the other hand, is a different story. Gus, for one thing, stole the Guinness he was caught with (form the folks at an Irish riding school) and then got the munchies so bad he consumed 200 mince pies that also weren't his AND I haven't heard a thing about him admitting he's got a problem. Gus, my friend, it's time to stop pointing your hooves at others and take the lead from Lindsay.
6. Me - This is obviously under protest and, like I said earlier, Santa was drunk when we spoke. I've done nothing wrong. I am excited, however, about getting a t-shirt. They're great!

Ok folks, I've said way too much. Remember, don't tell anyone; I don't want to end up on the list again next year. Until next time, keep your eyes on the road ...