Moment of Truth for Antonella Barba

Tonight should be a big night for all of you American Idol fans ... it's ladies night, which means Antonella Barba will be taking the stage for the first time since the big sexy, nude pic scandal. I'm sure she's feeling the pressure to perform (I'm talking about singing) to prove all those wrong who have been yacking about her real talent being her body, not her singing.

How do you think she'll do tonight? Personally, I think she'll suck ... I don't think she'll sing all that well either ... (I'm sorry .. I guy with my lack of self control cannot possibly resist that). Good luck Antonella ... you have a ton of guy fans pulling (so to speak) for you. I'm hoping she sings "Stripped" or "Dirrty."

Paris Hilton Loves to do Everything With Her Friends ... Even Jail

Not to be outdone by her on again off again BFF (or at least best friend sometimes) Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton has gotten herself into a bit of a potentially social calendar hazardous situation. Paris lost her driver's license for a DUI charge (sound familiar?) back in November and was just caught driving yesterday, obviously without a valid license. She was also speeding and driving without her headlights on (I'm assuming this means her car, but you never know in LA).

Anyway, if convicted, she faces a maximum sentence of 90 days in jail ... wouldn't it be fun for her if she got to serve it at the same time as Nicole Richie, for her DUI woes? Maybe it could make a few new episodes of the Simple Life. It's not hard to see what's simple about their life ... now if they would only look in the mirror and see it too ... She also loses her 2007 Bentley Convertible for a month, while it serves it's sentence in the impound. Hey ... we all know what happened the last time paris left her stuff in storage .... maybe somebody will get a good deal on a new Bentley.

Credit: Louise Barnsley/Pacific Coast News
Published: Wednesday February 28, 2007 06:00 AM EST

Antonella Barba ... Fake; Katharine McPhee ... Real

The last couple of days has really brought out a couple of very important truths in the entertainment world. If you were reading my posts from yesterday, you will have discovered that the much talked about sex pics of Antonella Barba, from American Idol, are in fact fakes. If you missed it, click here to see the post (there are links to pics which demonstrate that the hardcore shots are not Antonella). However, in even bigger news (can you sense the sarcasm?) it seems Katharine McPhee's boobs are real ... I know I was certainly concerned about that.

The truth came out on Tyra Banks show when Katharine revealed it bothers her that people think her boobs are fake (the poor thing). That's when Tyra, in a move that would make any straight male proud, leaned in for the grab test .... analyzed the evidence and confirmed Katharine is all woman. And there's VIDEO .... watch it yourself by clicking here.

I, for one, am on the edge of my seat wondering what great mystery will be solved for us next in the wonderful world of celebrity. I bet you Britney Spears is really a drug counsellor.

Antonella Barba Pics Fake ... Still a Contestant on Morality Idol

Just when American Idol was starting to get good, news comes out that the real racy pics of Antonella Barba are not really her ... just the softer porn.

There are more pics of the girl engaged in the less than ladylike situation to compare to Antonella, but you can be the judge. Check out the differences between the two girls by clicking here.

Not that it really mattered to me anyway ... I thought American Idol was supposed to be a singing contest, not Morality Idol. If it was Antonella Barba, well .... she would have just had a bit of a head (so to speak) start on being a celebrity .... Maybe she would have gotten to hang out with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.

No Cheer for Bobby Brown

Gimme an 'L' Gimme an 'O' Gimme an 'S' Gimme an 'E' Gimme an 'R." Whatcha got? Bobby "Deadbeat Dad" Brown. Poor Bobby was arrested yesterday outside of his daughter's school and jailed. Just what every kid dreams of .... Daddy showing up for the cheerleading competition and getting arrested .... classy. Thankfully, the Police had the sense to do it in the parking lot when not many people were around. Unfortunately, Bobby didn't get to see his daughter perform or maybe that's actually something his daughter would 'cheer' about ... I'm sure some of the other parents would.

Anyway, it seems Bobby's been a little tardy with his child support payments again and will stay in jail until he pays $19,150. The money is owed to his former girlfriend, Kim Ward, with whom he has two children, LaPrincia and Bobby III ... lucky kids. Bobby ... pay for your kids ....

Pakistan Hold 'Em ... Extreme High Stakes Poker

Well, well, well, I've played some poker in my day, but I've never seen a bet quite like the one being argued about in Pakistan right now. According to Reuters, a man lost 10,000 rupees, which equates with approximately $151 US, to a relative while playing poker. He didn't have the money to pay, so he indicated the man could have his daughter when she grew up; at the time she was 2 years old.

The girl, Rasheeda, is now 17 and her relative wants her family to ante up, so to speak, despite being paid the 10,000 rupees last year. The man insists Rasheeda still be given to him because of "tribal customs," so he can arrange the marriage between her and his son (I'm assuming they would be relatives too).

It's surprising the idea hasn't caught on here ... seems like a great way to get out of a relationship. "Sorry Baby ... I really didn't think he could beat my pair of deuces."

One Month and the Hiccups Continue

Welcome back folks; thanks for joining me. Back on February 16th, in a post titled "Girl Presents Hiccup to Doctors' Plans," I reported on a poor girl from Florida who'd been hiccuping at a rate of 50 hiccups per minute for 3 straight weeks (except for when she slept). Well, it seems the hiccups continue .... neither the doctors nor the multitude of home remedies have cured poor Jennifer Mee. It's now been as month ... and she's featured in a video on CNN ... click here to view it.

The hiccups also don't seem to interrupt her (from the video footage) while she's talking either; only when she ends her sentence. So, for some annoying people I know ... who seem to be talking every moment they're awake, this would likely not be a problem for them.

Forget Iran; There's Trouble Brewing in the Jungle

There seems to be as much or more talk lately about Iran (and there possible nuclear program) than there's been about Britney Spears (and her nuclear meltdown). It's stories like these that make us run the risk of ignoring the real problams out there. Forget Iran for a minute ... there's some scary stuff going on in Senegal that's going practically unnoticed.

According to Reuters, a couple of on the ball researchers from Cambridge University (and formerly from Iowa State University) have been observing a group of chimpanzees from Senegal evolve in a similar way to early humans (or at least hominids). It's not surprising though since they share approximately 98% of the same DNA humans do. These chimps have started to make spears on their own, from branches that they've chewed at the ends into points, and have started to use them to hunt ... and already successfully on at least one occasion. Interestingly, it seems to be the females that are doing the hunting, demonstrating that the male chimpanzees are evolving at a much faster rate than male humans ever did.

Why should we be more alarmed over this development than Iran? People ... we've been locking up these chimpazees' family and friends in cages for years now, standing outside them, watching and making fun of them. These guys have to be waaaaaay more pissed with us than anyone in Iran. When have we ever done this sort of humiliating thing with anyone from Iran? And it's just a matter of time before they figure out that we humans really aren't all that smart. Oh my, I don't want to be around when that happens.

I say we release some information now to the people of the world that we're confident these angry chimpanzees are developing weapons of mass destruction (they've already used them to kill) and go in and clear them out, before we find our sorry asses naked and hanging from some stupid rope in a cage to the delight of hoards of mocking chimpanzees. Hey, does Iran have zoos? Maybe they'll help us out with their new weapons program.

Britney's Revolving Rehab Door

Ok ... despite the fact that this situation is confusing the hell out of me, I am going to try to provide an update on the continuing rehab saga for Britney Spears. According to People Magazine, Britney Spears has now confirmed that she has entered rehab AGAIN! For how long? Perhaps you should check back again tomorrow for the update on her leaving again ...

Anyway, it seems to me that she may have been pressured by Kevin Federline's "emergency custody hearing" request as it now seems to have been dropped since she re-entered rehab. I'm not sure what the success rates are for people who enter rehab under pressure, but I'll bet it's not as high as those who actually want to be there and enter on their own accord.

I, for one, am becoming a little tired of this and will be looking for a nice animal story or something similar to write about tomorrow. I've run out of Britney jokes ......

Ooooops .... I Did it Again! Britney Not a Rehab Fan

Just a quick Britney Spears update, on what seems to be becoming a bit of a Britney blog. Reprts are now in that Britney has left rehab AGAIN! The Associated Press has reported that Britney left the Promises Malibu Treatment Center early this morning, less than a day before entering ... just like earlier this week. Reports indicate that she "couldn't handle it."

Poor Britney better start handling it soon or I think she's headed for even more trouble.

Who can Save Britney Spears?

Hey hey folks; welcome back. I saw an article today on the People Magazine site, about Brody Jenner and Nicole Richie. According to the article, Brody initially started dating Nicole to make a bit of a name for himself .... as the guy who got Nicole Richie to eat. The relationship only lasted from August to October ... lucky for Nicole ... because I'm sure she would have been quite the size from Jenner's brilliant powers of suggestion ...

Anyway, after the breakup he apparently made it his mission to date all the girls from The Hills, for which he had a little success (he dated Lauren Conrad for a short spell too). Who was next? Another girl in need of super-moron's help ... Lindsay Lohan. Only problem is she apparently wasn't looking for a new Doctor, so it didn't go beyond friendship.

But NOW is the time for Brody Jenner, if there ever was a time. We NOW have the ultimate case of a young, fallen, female star in need of our Super Zero's help .... Britney Spears. Brody, if you have any strength left at all, please use it to save Britney before she Ooooops ... does it again. If you can save Britney from being Toxic, you would definitely make a name for yourself. Come on Brody .... send our Brit a text message and get things going.

I think this may take awhile and I'm not really sure what we can do in the meantime ... maybe there's nothing else to do other than what this woman (below) is doing as she waits for the 2008 Summer Games in Beijing ... or not ...



Photo by Agence France-Presse and Yahoo News.











POST NOTE: Hot off the Press .... it seems Britney has folded to the pressure from her family and has checked herself back into rehab somewhere in LA. I don't know if that makes it too late or not for you Brody, but you better snap into action quickly ... or find a new way to make a name for yourself. Good luck Britney ... with the rehab too ....

Michelle Manhart Highlights Discrepancy in Military Logic

Alright, I've been leaving this whole Michelle Manhart thing alone, but I can't keep my mouth shut any longer. I want to say up front that I deeply respect everyone who has chosen a career in the military; I admire you and thank you for it. My comments are meant for the military establishment (or at least my perception of it), not the individuals who work within it.

I find it incredibly ironic that an organization that exists to protect our ideals, our beliefs, our security and our way of life would turn their noses up at those and create their own belief structure. For the most part our ideals and beliefs have been formed over hundreds of years and formalized through the establishment of laws. These, as you know, are what society has deemed as acceptable and unacceptable behavior (again, for the most part).

The people who work within the military are just that ... people. They are no better or no worse than the rest of us ... they are part of us. They are just people who have chosen a very respectable career. However, it seems as though these individuals are held to different standards than the rest of us; standards created and enforced by the military establishment. The very creation of these different standards offends me. To me, it suggests that I am part of a less intelligent, less moral sub-society.

The beliefs (or laws) that the military establishment fights to protect include things like: it is wrong to kill others, every person shall have freedom of speech and freedom of expression, etc ... It seems very ironic that the military will place weapons in the hands of our family, friends and loved ones and tell them to use them to kill others (which is contrary to our belief system, but also an exception I think is justified) BUT find it unacceptable for someone within the military to pose nude (like Michelle Manhart in Playboy); making the statement "I'm in the military and I'm proud of the way I look." Especially when this type of activity is not against our belief system ... it is only contrary to the belief system of the military establishment. What ever happened to freedom of expression?

Whether your personal opinion is that it's tasteful or distasteful, it is not illegal and it does not warrant shaming someone out of their career. Quite the contrary, if you ask me. These are people who put their own lives at risk to protect our beliefs and way of living. If anything, these individuals should be cut some slack ... not held to a standard higher than the rest of us. After all, the "regular" people ARE the military ... let's not offend our own people by creating a system that suggests civilians are lesser class citizens. The military should be absolutely modeled after what society has deemed acceptable through the democratic process; it is the very model the military is fighting to protect.




Cross the Line Designs has tons of great items. Whether you're looking to make a statement about the Government or you just want a funny t-shirt for St. Patrick's Day, you'll find something you love. just click the t shirt to the left or right here.

Britney Spears Shaved and Inked: Video

Well, well ... Britney's not just losing her mind now .... she's also lost her hair. Eyewitness News captured video of her at a tattoo parlour in LA with her new bald look, getting a tattoo (or more than one).

Want to see the video? Click here!

Britney Spears still 'Toxic;' Nicole Richey's Life not Simple

Alright, what's with all the young celebrities and their addictions? According to several different reports, Britney Spears checked into a treatment facility in Antigua, which is great, but then apparently checked out the next day. I guess she was on the express treatment program ("Live fast, recover fast"). Now there are claims that none of that happened at all ... so who really knows ... What doesn't seem to be getting disputed is that there are reports of people who are close to Britney that are worried about her "spiraling out of control." So whether she's really "Toxic" (sorry for that) or not, there seem to be people that believe she is (like her former personal assistant Felicia Culotta), AND she certainly was hanging out with the right club ... certainly not the Mickey Mouse Club ... Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohen (who's in treatment now), etc.

And the we have Nicole Richey, another young star who has another problem involving alcohol ... drinking and driving. Nicole was charged with her second DUI yesterday, for an incident occuring on Dec 11, 2006. Her first conviction was in June 2003; if convicted for the Dec 11 incident, Richey faces a mandatory sentence of 90 days to one year in jail. That would certainly throw a wrench into her social life wouldn't it?

Perhaps they should all go to jail for a bit. There's a treatment centre you can't check out of and I'm guessing it would be fairly effective.

Girl Presents Hiccup to Doctors' Plans

Well here's something I've never heard of before and it must be a real pain in the ... well ... chest. According to the Associated Press, there is a 15 year old girl in Florida, named Jennifer Mee, who can't stop hiccuping, except when she's asleep. The report claims she is hiccuping around 50 times per minute ... for all of you who aren't math magicians (like me), that's nearly once every second ... AND ... it's been happening for more than 3 weeks. That's freaking amazing! The doctors have tried everything from holding her breath, scaring her, sugar under her tongue, drugs, pickle juice, breathing into a paper bag, etc ....

It is unknown what triggered her hiccups, but they do know they started in school. Why couldn't I think of things like that when I was in school? Hey, I wonder if I could get me out of work?

R.I.P. .... Not!

In what has to be one of the most embarassing demonstrations of human behavior I've ever seen, Anna Nicole Smith is still unable to rest in peace. Despite what people thought of Anna Nicole Smith during her life, it's ridiculous what's happening to her remains now. I think she may have actually become more famous after her death 8 days ago.

For those of you who are just waking up from a coma, there are two main fights going on now that have prevented the proper handling of Smith's remains: where will they bury her and the "Who's your Daddy?" issue for poor, 6 month old Dannielynn (Smith's daughter). According to CNN, a Florida Court is expected to release Smith's Last Will and Testament today, which may bring to rest (pardon the pun) the issue of where to bury Smith, as her wishes may be documented in the Will. Currently the dispute is between Smith's former lawyer and lover (Howard K. Stern), who argues Smith wanted to be buried next to her son in the Bahamas and Smith's estranged mother (Vergie Arthur), who wants her buried at the family plot in Texas.

The second issue, of who's Dannielynn's father, is even more reprehensible. I think there are now 4 or 5 guys who have stepped forward and claimed that they could be Dannielynn's father, because they were all having sexual relations with Smith around the time Dannielynn was conceived. Hmmmmm ..... where were some of these guys before; I didn't see some of them arguing they were the father when Smith was still alive? Do you think maybe it's not really the child they're after???? These dudes would certainly make great Dad's wouldn't they? Some days I'm embarassed to be human; today is one of those days.

Porn for Geeks

Hey hey everyone; welcome back. Do I have a treat for you today. Are you a geek and having trouble deciding whether PCs are better than Macs? Do you want to see what would happen if Steve Jobs went head to head with Bill Gates? Then all you have to do, my nerdy little friends, is click right here.

Now Scientifically Proven that Size DOES Matter

Hey hey folks. I have some very exciting news today ... there were two HUGE findings in the science world. The first involves the "important" discovery of a really old, dead guy and if you're a geek like me, this is actually quite interesting. Dutch archaelogists have discovered a tomb which belonged to an official named Ptahemwi, who was Pharaoh Akhenaten's seal bearer. Pharaoh Akhenaten ruled Egypt from 1379 to 1362 BC.

The tomb had limestone walls and was apparently decorated with scenes from eveyday life, including monkeys picking and eating fruit, as well as Ptahemwi receiving offerings. For more information on this story click here.

The other LARGE find today is a study which scintifically proves what women have known for hundreds of years .... size really does matter. According to Reuters, scientists at the universities of Exeter and Glasgow found that female green swordtail fish "mature" more rapidly when they see a male with a big .... tail, of course. On the flip side, I remember "maturing" quite rapidly as well when my new, extra hot grade 7 teacher walked in my class for the first time, so I think it is also true for males ... although some women will claim that males NEVER mature.

Another interesting piece of the study demonstrated that young males actually slow down their sexual development for several months if they see a more endowed male, in essence waiting for there to be less competition for mating. I don't know if human males can actually slow their development, but in a similar phenomenon, you should see the dudes with the mini pee pees shy away from the gym shower when the stallions are around ... waiting for a time with less competition for a healthy ego.

I, for one, would like to express my gratitude to the science world for putting aside little things like finding cures for terminal illnesses to clear this BIG problem up for us.

Australian Women Uncover Key to Valentine's Day Satisfaction

Hey hey folks. I've got to tell you ... Australian women have definitely figured out the key to ensuring they receive great gifts this Valentine's Day. All they had to do was launch a campaign urging Australian men to whip it and snip it, instead of buying traditional Valentine's gifts. That's right, the 'V' in 'Valentine' in Australia this year stands for Vasectomy!!! Ouch!

They say it's the idea of a non-profit organization, which I absolutely believe. It's just run by a bunch of incredibly brilliant women. What better way to ensure you receive the best Valentine's Day gift ever than to throw out the vasectomy alternative to your man???? The ladies know that the only thing those Aussie boys will be snipping now are the stems to dozens of beautiful long stem roses. I don't think those crazy, inflated Valentine's Day prices on the floral arrangements are going to look so bad to the Aussie men this year.

Brilliant work ladies!

Laptops and Weapons Top FBI Most Wanted List

Well I certainly read something interesting on CNN today. It seems the Federal Bureau of Incompetence (I mean Investigation) has had 160 laptops lost or stolen over a 44 month period (ending in September 2005). In addition, the same number of weapons have also gone missing. But hey ... that's great news!!! Why? Well because the FBI is getting way better. In an audit conducted in 2002, the FBI lost more than 300 laptops and 300 weapons in the preceding 28 month period. Instills confidence doesn't it?

Anyway, of the 160 missing in the most recent count, at least 10 of them contain classified information (I think one of them contained the whereabouts of the 300 that went missing before). One actually did contain information on the identities of FBI personnel and several may also contain sensitive counterterrorism information.

The report also indicated that the FBI could not determine whether 51 lost laptops contained sensitive or classified information. Some of them were assigned to the aptly named "counterintelligence" (kinda sounds like the opposite of intelligence to me) division. In any event, it seems one of the problems here is that it's seemingly difficult to encounterintelligence (sorry; I couldn't resist) within the FBI.

Valentine's Day Going to be Hard in U.K. This Year

Hey folks. Well, Valentine's Day is only a couple of days away now and I'm sure many people (like myself) are wondering what to do or what to get for their special someone. You have to figure out a way to meet expectations, without greatly exceeding them to the point where you can't live up to them again next year.

If you're in Britain, I have some very exciting news for you this Valentine's Day. The perfect gift, that'll surely get you and your partner pumped up (if you know what I mean), will now be much more readily available. That's right everyone, I'm talking about those incredible little blue anti-gravity pills .... Viagra. Three pharmacies have decided to make them available without prescription as a pilot program, starting on the day when even married couples have sex, Valentine's Day.

Instead of seeing a doctor and getting a prescription, a guy now just has to take his floppy in for a quick consult with the pharmacist, where the guy's medical history will be checked and a measurement taken of their ..... um ..... well .... blood pressure, cholesterol and blood glucose levels, of course. You have to be between 30 - 65 years old, suffer from erectile dysfunction (why do we always say "suffer from?" Who wouldn't be "suffering from that?) and have 50 pounds (or approx. $97) in your pocket. Meet those conditions and you'll get a supply of 4 pills. That's like $25 a slap, if you know what I'm saying, so make sure you use them wisely. If you think that's a little steep after the flowers, chocolates and dinner, you can always just drop the $9 for a cheap bottle of wine, get her good and hammered and lie to her about how amazing you were the next morning.

PETA Bares all for State of Union Address

Hi Folks. Welcome back to the View from the Front Seat. This may be the shortest post I ever publish and definitely breaks from my normal light hearted style. However, I saw a video today from PETA who, once again, is using very unorthodox methods to demonstrate to people how strongly they feel about their cause. I am providing you with a link to the PETA video (which I struggled over whether to provide or not); however, I must warn you. During the first part of the video the girl from PETA does really get naked ... completely. The second part of the video contains very sad, disturbing (but incredibly powerful) footage of cruelty to animals.

I'm as yet undecided whether the methods used here were necessary to get the point across, but I cannot argue against it's effectiveness. It definitely has me thinking about things I have not thought about before. I have to give PETA kudos for having the guts to face the risk of greatly offending people in order to powerfully deliver a message the organization is clearly passionate about. Here's the link (again, it contains adult content):

PETA State of the Union Address

The Sexy 'Dirt' on Courtney Cox and Drew Barrymore

Alright, I have to tell you upfront, this post is really going to demonstrate just how male I am. It's all about what us guys think about every 15 seconds ... yup ... sex ... AND with two real cuties.

In a move that will be applauded by men all over the world, it seems Courtney Cox has refused to use a body double for naked sex scenes in 'Dirt' (her new TV show) because she is proud of her body (and I'm proud of you too Courtney - all of us perverts, um, I mean men, are). She was quoted by BANG Media International as saying "I'm not a little girl anymore - I'm a woman." Didn't Britney Spears write a song about something like that, not too long before she started flashing her hoohoo to the media? Courtney ... I think I like where this is going. To top it all off (guys you may wish to sit down for this and keep your hands above the keyboard) she has a hot scene where she lustfully kisses Jennifer Aniston, who plays a rival, lesbian magazine editor in a cameo appearance on the show. Damn, it's true guys ... all best girlfriends kiss. By the way, whoever it was that gave us the ability to pause and rewind live TV .... I love you!

Keeping with the same sex, let's try to impare the ability of all men to breathe theme, Drew Barrymore announced that she thinks Juliette Lewis is "hot!" Sounds like a crush to me ... and the truth doesn't really matter anymore ... because I've already created the image in my mind and nobody can take that away from me. Oh yah, and she apparently likes England quite a bit, because she thinks they inspire music and fashion for the U.S. Yah, whatever ... can we talk about you and Juliette a little more????

Ok ... that's all for today. All this sex talk is making me want to ... um .... eat .. .that's it. What were you thinking I was going to say?

Jessica Simpson to have Smart Children; Too Late for Britney Spears

Hey folks. Welcome back to the View from the Front Seat. I heard some incredible news today ... Jessica Simpson, despite her own ... um ... limitations, may actually have an opportunity to have smart children. That's right, Jessica apparently told Britain's Star Magazine that she'd like to adopt children before having her own. I certainly endorse that ... there are already far too many dumb people miraculously walking around on their own (and that's just where I work). I'm not sure it's actually going to work out the way she planned though, because right after indicating she wants to adopt before having her own, she indicated that she wants 3 kids, but isn't sure she can have three because she may find childbirth hurts too much. So maybe someone can help me out here ... if adoption is the option if it hurts her too much to have a child, wouldn't the adoption take place after she actually has a child of her own?

Keeping momentarily with the intelligence theme, it seems Britney Spears actually hooked herself a man with a brain ... as evidenced by his recent decision to get rid of her. Yup, poor Britney recently got the news from short lived flame Isaac Cohen via telephone, I think as soon as he sobered up, that it just wasn't going to work out (which is what men say when they're thinking "shit this chick is nuts"). He could have stuck it out another week though; I also previously read that she bought a special Valentine's Day outfit from Trashy Lingerie (go figure). Oh well, maybe we'll get to see the papparazi pics when she wears it out on the town that night.

Nudity, Fingers, Toilets and Diamond Rings

Hey everyone; welcome back for another commute with the boys from Cross the Line Designs. Today was a big day in the news, which means we had A LOT to keep us busy on the ride in to work today. I'm very excited to have you along so I can share .... because there's a lot, let's get right to it.

I can't describe for you how excited I was when I saw the first story. I really found out "What A Girl Wants" when I read the story on People Magazine's site about Christina Aguilera, her "Nasty Naughty Boy" husband Jordan Bratman and their Sundays ... or should I say their .... Naked Sundays!!! That's right folks, it seems Christina and that "Dirrty" bastard (who she obviously thinks is "The Right Man") get "Stripped" down to just their birthday suits every Sunday and do everything around the house naked. Now that definitely has to be a "Beautiful" scene. I have to stop thinking about this now or I want be able to finish this post.

In other news, about someone who lost more than their clothing, Reuters has reported of a man in Germany who discovered why some chocolate bars are referred to as "finger bars." There was a bump in the dude's Italian chocolate bar which turned out not to be a nut ... it was the tip (or former tip) of a person's finger, complete with finger nail still attached (I think they're more valuable if still in the complete set like that). Mmmmm .... good ... talk about chewy nougat. The Police wouldn't name the brand, but I'm thinking ... as always ... are there any Mafia organizations in the chocolate bar business in Italy?

Now, I wrote awhile ago about a toilet that I got excited about, in "There's Something Fishy About This Toilet," that features a built in aquarium, so you never have to do your business alone anymore. Well you can flush my exitement about that down the toilet now, because a new system's out ... and what a system it is. Roto-Rooter has created a restroom, which they're giving away in an online sweepstake, equipped with a laptop, flat-screen TV, an iPod and speakers, an Xbox, a refrigerator filled with drinks and snacks and an exercise bike. As if it wasn't hard enough to get some time in your washroom now, when you need it. I guess people are getting through the newspapers and magazines they read in there and need something to occupy them for a little longer. I'll be right back ... I suddenly need to use the washroom. Sorry I took so long, I couldn't find the remote for the toilet.

Ok, I'm going to end with the story of a guy who had an equally stupid (I mean heartwarming) idea. A passenger of a taxi driver in New York City forgot a bag containing 31 diamond rings in the cab when she got out. Despite only receiving a 30 cent tip on an $11 fare the honest cab driver decided to track the passenger down to ensure she received her bag. The unbelievable part is, he knew about the new toilet from Roto-Rooter ... and so coulda had one. According to a report from the Associated Press, when questioned about it the cabbie, very respectably indicated "I enjoy my life. I'm satisfied. I'm not going to take someone else's money or property to make me rich. I don't want it that way." Thumbs up to you my friend; I hope people learn from you.

Alright, that's all for today; I'll be by again tomorrow to pick you up. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... and don't give people the finger.

The Difference between Men and Women

Hello everyone; it's nice to have you along for the ride again. Today the commute to work involved discussion of one of the things we know best ... women ... and more specifically, the the major differences between us and them. Today I'm going to talk about two situations where men and women will either either act like or say complete opposites.

Our friends from Reuters (this blog would be completely fictional if it weren't for those folks) reported that the average woman, in exchange for a closet full of new clothing, would be willing to give up sex for 15 months, with 2% willing to give it up for 3 years. At first blush, it's amazing that they could survey 1,000 women from 10 U.S. cities and find that many women that haven't had sex before ... but then it occurred to me ... the vast majority of women say the opposite of what they mean. The people conducting the survey were probably male and they were trying to throw them off, but you won't fool me. I've been around enough to know things like when a woman says "nothing's wrong," you better look the frig out. And there are a million examples I could have used to demonstrate the whole "women mean the opposite of what they say" thing.

How are men different? Well ... simple ... alright, that slipped out, but it's true ... we're simple. If you ask 1,000 men (straight or gay) 999 of them (I've made an allowance for the one metrosexual guy in the bunch ... and that's not a guarantee either) will indicate they are not giving up sex ... for anything ... unless maybe it's more sex with more people ... or maybe watching girls have sex ... but you get the theme here right? And guys ... just in case I'm a little off on the "women not saying what they mean thing," make sure your little lady doesn't find herself in the position of having to make that decision ... get your freaking credit card out of that dusty wallet you keep stuffed in that cheap ass back pocket of yours and keep filling up that closet of hers on your own. There's nothing wrong with buying insurance, if you know what I'm saying.

I'll give you one more thing before I leave to demonstrate how men and women are different, again thanks to Reuters. A beauty salon in London claims it can give the ladies' hair the ultimate" shine (which I know is VERY important to women), with a new mixture that's no bullshit ... it's actually ... um ... bull semen, but only of course from the real thoroughbreds. Ok ladies, does that get you as excited as the bulls? The treatment takes approximately 45 minutes and involves massaging the bull semen and plant root mixture into your hair until clients reach the climax of the process ... beautiful hair.

How are we different on this one? Well ... women will actually do that, thinking it's great to have the beautiful hair. Men will just ask questions ... like the ones I'm about to, but never actually dream of doing it. Who came up with this and how??? I can understand it happening by accident, but not really with a bull ... and maybe not the plant root. Who's job is it to collect the "product" from the bulls and how many collectors do they lose in the process? Man, I thought I had a hard (sorry about the bad pun) job. How do they get it from the bulls? Does the bull get a little private time with a cup and a PlayBull magazine? Is it also something men can also do? If it means a semi-sexual situation with a lady, just hand most of a plant root and, baby, we'll be good to help.

Alright, that's definitely all I'm saying today; I'll be by again tomorrow to pick you up. in the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... and hands off the stickshift (if you know what I'm saying).

Why go to the Zoo when you can Look at your ... Body?

Hey hey ... welcome back to another exciting week of commutes to work with you know who. We're going to get off to an amazing start, because ... well ... quite frankly ... I actually learned something today. This, as anyone who really knows me will tell you, is a momentous occasion, because I used to think I knew it all, but after today, that may actually be true now. What did I learn today? Well, I learned something about the zoo or, more specifically, that I'm more fascinating than the zoo. Does that make this about me then?

I want to give you some news about my largest organ. Now ladies, before you get all excited, it's not what you think (I'll write about that though soon, I promise). This is everybody's largest organ ... our skin. Most good zoos are likely to have somewhere between 100-200 different species on hand, but that's nothing compared to what humans have on hand, or ... um ... on arm anyway. Reuters reported today that, according to findings of a study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (I wonder how many geeks it took to come up with that name), that there are an estimated 250 species of bacteria living in our skin (I bet you my business partner has at least 300 ... there's not enough anti-bacterial wash around for that fella). They can currently identify 182 of those. AND those were just from swabs from people's forearms. I wonder what they'd find if they swabbed our .... oh, nevermind.

God, I've never been so itchy in all my life ... I think I'm going to take a shower immediately after finishing this blog ... I knew I was making a mistake writing about this. However, microbiologist Dr. Martin Blaser of New York University School of Medicine, indicates that we should not wash as much as many people do, because many of the bacteria perform useful functions for our body and we are, in essence, washing away layers of our defense mechanism. Judging by the "scent" of some of the people I've met, there are some pretty healthy people out there.

In other zoo related news, if you can consider big, hairy, alien beasts as zoo material, there was a very heated episode Thursday on the Hollywood Walk of Fame ... Star Wars, perhaps (even I think that's a bad joke). It seems everybody's favorite Wookiee, Chewbacca, from Star Wars, has a temper to match his 6'5" stature. Since the series ended, Chewie hasn't been so great with his money, which has forced him (and several other movie pals, like Superman, Marilyn Munroe, etc) to hang out in front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre hoping tourists would like their picture taken with them. Apparentlt Chewbacca's been getting a little hot under all that fur and has been harassing the tourists who don't decide to tip him for being so photogenic. By the way, I wonder what the scientists would find if they took a swab of Chewie's forearm (I bet he's got way more than 250 hiding out in that skin).

So why am I telling you this? Well, because a tour guide from the dark side became so tired of seeing Chewie harass the fine folks that he confronted him about it. Security guards came to capture the wookiee and escort him from the area, which kinda made Chewie a little mad. So mad, in fact, that Chewbacca grab the tour guide and head-butted him after exclaiming "Nobody tells this wookiee what to do;" thank goodness he didn't have his phaser with him.

Ok, that's all I have for you today; I'll pick you up again tomorrow. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... no matter how itchy you get.

Naked and Sweaty in Holland

Hey hey everyone; welcome back for another opportunity to view the world from our front seat with us on the ride to work. I have to tell you, I am very excited about something. I go to the gym and sometimes find it hard to keep motivated to stay there, as I'm sure many people do. There's not alot of excitement there to keep people (at least lazy ones like me) motivated. BUT I think that all may change ... at least in Holland.

The Associated Press has just reported that a gym in Holland has decided to start a program that gives a whole new meaning to getting buff .... "Naked Sunday." Hmmmm .... the holiest of all days ... at least it is to me now. Screw Sunday football games ... I'm going to the gym. Hard bodies ... all naked and sweaty ... I guess I can cancel my subscription to the Playboy Channel now. Personally, I think they're just trying to change the usage of the phrase "going Dutch," but I'm behind them 100%. Hey ... maybe this will get some of you geeks out of the blogosphere for awhile to see what it's actually like outside of your house .... with real people ... and you won't even have to put your pants back on :)

In other news, the viscious onslaught of the animal kingdom in Australia continues. Regular readers will know that I've been following the battle between the animal kingdom and the humans in Australia with great interest, for awhile now. It started, in the first wave, with a massive invasion of cane toads (for more, read my previous post "Australia Invaded - War Declared") and was followed up by an even more powerful assault by the snake forces (see "The Boy with the Killer Voice"). And NOW, it seems the third wave of attacks has been launched (I'd love to find out what the Australians ever did to start this).

The animal kingdom's air force was activated to shut down a perceived threat from a lone paraglider from the human side, believed by the animal kingdom to be on a critical intelligence gathering mission. Once Nicky Moss, who is actually British (Australia's ally), reached an altitude of approximately 8,200 ft, a pair of Wild "Screeching" Eagles (the animal kingdom's precision aeronautical attack force) intercepted Britain's top female paraglider. The pair launched a sustained attack by shredding the paraglider's wings, before one tangled itself in the canopy lines and began striking at the frightened Ms. Moss. The attack ended when the one that was tangled freed itself, which was about 100 meters from the ground (lucky for the paraglider). It was indeed a very close call, but Ms. Moss was able to survive the attack.

Apparently, Australian and British forces, who have been taking a pounding, but are not yet losing hope, have called a summit of their top military leaders to determine how they're going to pull this one out of the bag. I know I'll be on the edge of my seat watching as this one progresses.

That's all for today; I'll pick you up again Monday. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... especially if it's Sunday, you're naked and on the way to the gym (you don't want to miss that).

For Those Not Expecting Sex on Valentine's Day, There's Something Better

Welcome back everyone; I'm happy to have you along for the ride. Like any two guys who carpool together it can be expected that the conversation will eventually turn to ... love ... and other very mature, sensitive, emotional issues. Today, we discussed Valentine's Day, in keeping with the great catches that we are. More specifically, what folks may choose to do on Valentine's Day.

Now, of course, we do not face any risk of being alone on Valentine's Day and absolutely know what we'll be doing. The same thing most couple's will be doing ... having our twice yearly (Valentine's Day and birthday) sessions of crazy sex (but not with each other ... we have actually found a couple of ladies that put up with us). Anyway, because we care so much about people, we were concerned about all you single folks out there. You have to have something to do too, on what may be one of the most depressing days of the year for you.

SO, I have a list for you .... of things you can do that are actually BETTER than sex (I'm just saying that for your benefit ... you won't see me doing any of these things and pass up one of my two chances this year). I know you're excited, so I'll get right to it. Here are 10 things that are better than sex:

1. Golf ... because if you get it in the hole you don't feel obligated to stay the night.
2. Trick or treating ... because if you don't like what you get at one house, you can always go next door.
3. Coffee ... because it just tastes better.
4. Chocolate ... because you can have it on your desk at work without upsetting any of your co-workers.
5. Studying ... because when you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. Poker ... because everyone expects you to fake it.
7. Beer ... because you can always have another one (I can think of another one too, but I think the ladies may get mad at me).
8. Baseball ... because 30,000 people cheer when you score.
9. Solitaire ... because if you play drunk, you won't regret it in the morning.
10. Karaoke ... because you're always sure to find someone worse than you are.

Alright all you singles out there; there's no need to be depressed about the big day that's coming. You'll actually be having more fun than the rest of us (*wink*). I've brought you enough value for one day, so that's it for you ... you're cut off ... until I pick you up tomorrow. Until next, keep your eyes on the road ... you don't want to hurt any of us non-singles before the big day ... we do only get a couple of these chances each year remember.