A Dirty End to 2006

Welcome back riders; thank you for joining us for another commute to work ... the last commute of 2006! Well, I was really hoping that my business partner and I would be discussing something that would be intelligent and stimulating for you, to bring 2006 to a nice close, but we weren't able to fight our natural predisposition to fall into the degrading (but surprisingly comfortable) position of talking about all things sexual, which should come as no surprise to those of you who ride along with us often. So, the topic for today .... things (words, expressions, etc) that sound dirty, but really aren't. We have quite a talent for making anything sound sexual, but what we talked about today are things that didn't even require our manipulation to sound dirty.

I no longer recall how we got started on this, but our first line of discussion was common words or expressions in the English language that sound dirty, and not just to us. To confirm our immaturity for everyone (not that it's likely there's anyone that doesn't already know this) I have compiled a list of our top ten picks (out of the seemingly endless list that sounds dirty to us). Here they are (you have my apologies in advance):

10. cocktail - is that what that growth is?
9. kumquat - fruit or vegetable? Not sure, but I'm sure not trying it.
8. assassin - I just think "ass-ass-in" is funny
7. blowhole - rather see one on a whale than the wall of a bathroom stall
6. humpday - I really wish there was one of these, rather than just my birthday and Valentine's Day
5. cum laude - not sure exactly what this means, but I did't finish top of my class either
4. Bangkok - I don't think I'll visit, but I hear it's popular with the ladies
3. caucus - they sure do give it to us whenever they can
2. clean and jerk - what my business partner does every Friday night; no, he's not a weight lifter
1. homo erectus - 'nuff said

I was thinking of leaving it at that, but I can't stop myself (I know it's pathetic, but everyone has to be something). Here are a few more that didn't quite make the top ten list: shuttle cock, angina, cocky, cumin, rimshot, knee jerk, horticulture, pussywillow, seaman, uranus, tight end, motherlode, homogeneous .... ok I feel dirty enough to shower now.

It's things like this discussion that often make us reflect upon our likelihood of ending up in Court someday, defending the actions we took or things we said, etc .... which brought us to also think today about those things we may hear in Court that can also be construed (mostly by people like us - which is why we'll be in Court in the first place) as dirty. Here's our top ten list of things heard in Court that sound dirty, but really aren't:

10. I'd like to examine her in camera
9. That was one hard judge
8. He was about to blow it, so my lawyer withdrew at the last minute
7. Should we leave the handcuffs on?
6. He committed a penal offense
5. This is going to be quick and dirty
4. I'd like to see her briefs
3. Let's do it in Chambers
2. I want you to get me off
1. I'd be happy with a hung jury

If I don't stop now I may actually end up in Court, so that's it for this year. Thank you all for reading in 2006. I hope you have a very Happy New Year; I'll pick you up again next week. in the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... and mind out of the gutter.

Australia Invaded - War Declared

Welcome back to another surely exciting ride with the boys from Cross the Line Designs. Actually, today your ride is with only one of the boys, as I discovered my business partner overslept on his day to drive, but that's not all bad I guess. On the one hand it was a little nippy waiting for him to arrive (which he didn't - I woke him up when I called to ask him where the %&$* he was), but on the other hand, it made for a safer, less stressful ride to work today. If your memory is good, you'll remember a post from December 14 (click here if you don't remember), which proves my driving ability is superior to my business partner's.

Oh yes, right, the reason you're reading this .... um ... I have some shocking news for you today. The fight against weapons of mass destruction has taken an unlikely turn. After NATO's search in Iraq left them empty handed, there was much talk about where the weapons of mass destruction may have gone. One of the most common theories at the time was that the weapons were moved to Pakistan, BUT it turns out they're in Australia! Who would have ever thought? According to REUTERS, an invasion of northern Australia has commenced, covering approximately 1,900 miles from Queensland to Darwin. And the invaders are taking no prisoners; they've even been wiping out animal species along their way like snakes, goanna lizards and quolls (cat-sized marsupials). Accordingly, Australia's military have been asked to scramble to fight back the invasion of, get this, over 200 million ........ cane toads (which I think are kind of a more elite group within the invading toad military, similar to the Navy Seals).

That's right ... I said cane toads! Don't laugh though; their skin is poisonous and they really have been weapons of mass destruction for certain Australian animal species, like the ones mentioned above. Apparently, the Australians decided to introduce a population of 101 of the cane toads to Australia (that they got from Hawaii) back in 1935 in a failed attempt to control the population of native cane beetles; the Hawaiians are still sticking out their long tongues at the Aussies about this. From the initial 101 cane toads (wasn't there a movie about this or am I thinking of another animal?) in 1935, they have now spread to a population of more than 200 million (now that's a whole lot of ... well ... you know .... froggy style, if you know what I'm saying).

The Aussies certainly have their hands full ... with air rifles and golf clubs ... which are a couple of the weapons of choice in fighting the invasion. Up until now, the toads advance has allowed them to capture approximately 25 more miles of territory each year, having now achieved "near-plague proportions" status. This is one of my favorite parts .... if that wasn't enough, the toads (like many military nations) have been working hard (and have been successful) at developing a stronger, faster soldier (I mean toad). According to REUTERS, the "cane toads have evolved bigger legs to help them move faster." Australian military officials have been meeting with their cane toad counterparts in an attempt to negotiate certain land rights in exchange for some of the toads' military evolutionary secrets, but the toads have, thus far, not been willing to share. Apparently, this has the Aussie side "hopping mad," to which the toads have responded that they "can take every little ribbet of what the Aussies can dish and will be in Australia well after every last Aussie croaks" (sorry ... sometimes I can't even look at myself anymore).

Ok, that's all of this I can take for today, but I'll be back to invade the blogosphere again tomorrow. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... you never now what's going to hop into your path.

Why Saddam Should Not be Hanged

Aw ... look at all the happy people making their way back to join us for another commute to work; you all look very nice in your new Christmas sweaters. I have to say it was hard being away from everyone and not posting anything to the blog for the past several days; I know Christmas is probably the one time of year you need our always sound advice the most ... things can be tough over the holidays. Speaking of which, I'm sure most of you have heard by now that the Appeals Court in Iraq has upheld the death sentence imposed upon poor Saddam Hussein; according to law in Iraq the sentence must be carried out within 30 days, which puts the deadline (sorry for that Saddam) at January 27.

So, you guessed it, the topic for discussion today during the commute was ... death ... in keeping with the spirit of Christmas ... and once again we had a very clear view from the front seat about how things should really be rolling out here ... surprise, surprise (by the way, I hope Saddam likes surprises too). So, I have to say upfront that we don't have an issue with the fact that Hussein has been sentenced to death; we think that's fitting for the crimes he committed. In fact, we applaud Iraq for establishing law that allows them to avoid the tax payer burden of keeping a criminal alive for 20-30 years after having been sentenced to death (within 30 days sounds great to me), like it is in the US. We would, however, challenge the mode of execution.

We feel death by hanging is letting Saddam off a little too easy, unlike some of the punishments he imposed upon his own residents. Instead of hanging, we think it'd be a little more fitting if he were sent to the gas chamber, but not just a regular gas chamber. Back on December 19, The View from the Front Seat discussed alternative (likely more effective) punishments for those who have committed crimes (to see that post click here). I think we have an opportunity here to further that new way of thinking about sanctions. Let me explain .....

The Associated Press recently reported a violent incident at a jail between two cell mates, resulting from one inmate getting all gassed up about his cell mate's excessive flatulence; there was no place for him to go to avoid it, so I guess he felt it was best if he tried to cut off the gas line at it's source. So what we're thinking Iraq should do is learn from this experience and lock up the old fart (I mean Saddam) in the new style gas chamber with someone who tends to air things out in a manner similar to the situation reported on by the Associated Press. Since the prison also controls the diet of the inmates, it would obviously be very responsible of them to ensure Hussein's roomie received plenty of fiber in his meals (I mean, they have to make sure inmates are eating properly; there's no need to be cruel....). Despite the fact that Saddam and his defense team would likely kick up a stink about it (I know, that's just plain unfriendly of me), that would surely be more unpleasant than the hanging and more in line with the spirit of torture that Hussein favored when he was in power. I would have recommended pairing up Saddam (who we could then nickname "Saddamn that stinks Hussein") with the lady who brought down the American Airlines flight from DC to Dallas, with her little chemical issue, but the FBI couldn't get close enough to her to charge her (click here to see more on that).

Anyway, those are just our thoughts on how to improve upon that nasty ass situation over there in Iraq. We'll be back again with more thoughts on the world's problems tomorrow. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road .... and your windows down, if you have to drive with anyone like the guy I do.

Spain puts the Christ in Christmas

Ok, why are you people here, rather than out shopping? You only have a few short days left. Actually, why am I writing this and not out shopping? Now would probably be a great time to start. Oh well, I guess I should hit the malls, but before I go I want to tell you about the view we had from the front seat today during our commute to work. There's only one thing for two pretty cool, masculine (aside from the whole metrosexual thing) guys to talk about this time of year ... drinking! This is exactly what some of the leaders of certain countries must have been doing when they came up with some of their annual Christmas customs.

You know, I'm not saying that all of our Christmas customs or figures make complete sense; we do, after all, cherish a flying reindeer with a red nose that glows so bright it can lead a sleigh full of presents and a fat man across the night sky to deliver presents to every house in the world, but we're nowhere near the wackiest. Take for instance "El Caganer," (who always gets Santa saying "Oh Oh Oh" everytime he gets to Spain) also affectionately known as the ... um .... great defecator. Now the great defecator, of course, is a peasant who you can see in nativity scenes squatting behind rocks, with his butt exposed, taking care of business. I'm not suggesting there's anything wrong with that ... it's a perfectly natural function ... and most people have surely found themselves in a situation where time was of the essence, so they've found places to go that were a little more connected with Mother Nature than the special place in your home. What I am a little curious about is how this could play such, as the Associated Press reported recently, "an important role in Christmas festivities."

Apparently the tradition dates back to the 17th century agricultural societies, where defecation more or less symbolized health and fertility. I think it may also have had something to do with the bad drugs they had in Spain back in the 17th century. But people today are obviously smoking the same stuff, as many place statues of the Great One (and I'm not talking about Wayne Gretzky) on their mantles and even worse ..... Apparently pastry shops around parts of Spain sell "treats" that are shaped like feces. I can tell you my favorite has always been the chocolate poopsicles, narrowly beating out the candy poopcorn .. that some people also string around their trees.

Being true role models, the parents in Catalonia make sure the children have an opportunity to participate in the celebration of their customs. On Christmas Eve the children play a game where they beat a hollow log (that wasn't even my joke), called the "tio," trying to get the presents out that are stuffed inside (that's correct ... they beat the shit right out of it). While doing this they sing a song (that I think is called "Have Yourself a Shitty Little Christmas") that urges the tio to poop out the presents from the other end. No, I'm not making this crap up (sorry for all the defecation references, I just can't hold it in ... I have verbal diarrhea I guess).

The moral of the story is, for all you folks out there who get depressed around Christmas because of all the shit you have to deal with, just remember .... it could be shittier. I hope you can take solace (or an enema - if that's how you roll) in that and get yourselves through to the New Year. I just hope crap like this doesn't ever gain in poopularity around these parts because, let's fece it (I mean face it), that custom is freaking weird. Again, I'm really sorry for all the shitty jokes.

That's all for today folks. So until next time, keep your eyes on the road .... not on the guy in the bushes.

Britney Spears Wins Parenting Award

Hello again and welcome back to another exhilirating commute to work with us; I hope you enjoy your view today. Alright, we all know what a popular topic Britney Spears seems to be on the Internet. Regardless of what Britney does, it seems to be news; from partying to flashing to performing to parenting, if Britney does it ... we hear it. And it's almost always negative. However, we're hoping to turn things around a little bit here by announcing that Britney Spears is this year's winner of the Cross the Line Designs (yah that's my company) "I'm Not The Worst Parent In The World Award!"

We've heard some outrage over the past year with respect to some of the "horrible" things that Britney has done to little Sean, like: almost drop him while trying to avoid paparazzi, allow him to fall from a highchair, drive with him on her lap and generally act in a non-motherly way by partying, flashing the goods, etc .... Well from the perspective of a young, single guy with no children (so I obviously know what I'm talking about here) that's pretty freaking great, compared to some of the other things I hear about or have the pleasure of witnessing myself.

For instance, the Associated Press just reported on a couple of situations that people may consider to fall within the "not so great" category when it comes to parenting, but doesn't seem to be evoking the attention and outrage that Britney's actions did. The first incident involved parents "accidentally" leaving their 3 month old child abandoned in a shopping cart in Toys R Us for about an hour, each thinking the other parent had the child. Hmmm .... I haven't heard of a situation where Britney didn't at least know where her children were. Another recent event involved a grandmother mistakenly placing her 1 month old grandson through an x-ray machine at the Los Angeles International Airport. Luckily one of the workers noticed the baby's image on the monitor and removed the child from the machine as quickly as she could. The baby was then taken to the hospital, where x-rays obviously were no longer necessary, to be checked out; luckily the baby didn't receive a dangerous amount of radiation from the machine.

What about the stories we hear about of parents who willingly place their children in harm. Like the woman who was recently charged with allowing a man to molest her daughter (while she held her down) over 200 times for $20 each time??? Too extreme to compare? Well think back to the last time you visited the grocery store or the mall. I bet you saw some parent screaming at their child, or roughly grabbing their child or, even in some cases, striking their child ... right in the public eye ... just imagine what goes on at home.

Well what about the "lewd" activities that Britney has been involving herself in? What a bunch of two-faced people out there. I surely can't be the only person around who's in the unique position of seeing parents doing waaaaaay worse than Britney has reportedly done. Britney may have forgotten her underwear, but at least she kept her dress on ... I've seen all kinds of mommies who seemingly have forgotten more than that when they're out on the town. And if you all think she's such a bad parent, why are you complaining about Britney leaving her kids home with someone who's surely better able to take care of them than she is?

We should not be casting stones. On the contrary, we should be applauding Britney for only being in the positions we've found her in, despite the fact that her every move in life is captured on film. If those are all the bad things that have happened, I'd bet she's in the better half of parents. Now give yourself an honest reflection of what's happened on your own watch before you freak out at me for saying that. I bet your child has been in harms way before (intentionally or not) or has actually hurt themselves before from falling, dropping, etc .... I was a kid before, I know the stuff that's happened to me. Just think about what people may see happen on your watch if someone with a camera followed you everywhere you go.

Oh yah, and there's the other little issue of the .... um .... benefits of being Britney's kid. I bet they're not playing with empty milk cartons and thinking it's lego. Anyway Britney, if you're listening, I'd let you babysit anytime, if I had kids and congratulations on the award! By the way, if you're looking for another child and don't mind them being around 6 feet tall, I'm available. You can drop me, drive with me on your lap or pretty much do whatever you like ... I'll understand.

That's it for today, so until next time, keep your eyes on the road ... your kid will be fine in the backseat alone.

People do the Crime Because They CAN do the Time

Welcome back folks to another commute to work with the boys from Cross the Line Designs. Another day ... another problem, but, as always, we believe we have a solution for you, so sit back, relax and enjoy the view from the front seat. Reuters reported yesterday that, according to the FBI, the incidence of violent crimes rose by 3.7% during the first half of 2006, building upon the increase experienced last year. I don't know about you, but I think things are getting a little crazy out there, and with murders, robberies and aggravated assaults on the rise, things just seem to be worsening.

What ever happened to the deterrent factor referred to in the old "don't do the crime if you can't do the time" saying? Well, it's clear to me that people CAN do the time; I'm not certain sending people to prison to carry out conventional sentences is really very effective anymore (or perhaps ever was). It seems to me that we've created a bit of a vicious circle here ... somebody commits a crime ... we send them to jail ... they become even crazier .... they get released ... they do something worse ... we send them back .... they get even crazier .... and round and round we go. Perhaps it's time we consider some alternatives.

I was very pleased to see a report from the Associated Press recently of a unique sentence handed out by a Magistrate, Jeff Bailey (I'm not sure exactly where this was), to a man who illegally parked in a handicapped parking space. He mas made to stand in front of a grocery store with a sign that read "I am not handicapped. I just parked there, sorry." That was absolutely great. To make the person who committed the crime stand amongst the people whom the crime was committed against to make the person really feel how that makes other people feel has got to be more effective than placing the person amongst a large group of other people who have done things wrong ... what are you going to learn from those guys??? If you think about it, it doesn't get much worse than public humiliation for something you've done; therefore, there's likely no more effective method to curb the behaviour in the future. When asked about the sanction imposed, the criminal responded "I know I won't do it no more;" I believe him.

Inspired by Mr. Bailey's brilliantly unique approach to retribution, I am proposing some alternative sanctions to some of the most common (and very serious in some cases) crimes committed:

1. Sexual Assault (more than 93,000 / year) - I propose tying the criminal to a post in a child-free area, removing their clothing and posting a sign that reads "I am such a loser that I have to force people to have sex with me." They'll have the experience of being restrained and vulnerable in an environment where people can (and very likely will) look at, say and do whatever they wish. AND perhaps there'll be people touching the person that the criminal doesn't want to touch them .... now that is something I think a criminal can learn from. If that doesn't work, how about dressing them in a short skirt, Britney Spears style (if you know what I mean), and a halter top that reads "I'm a virgin" and leaving them in the bathroom of a men's prison?
2. Burglary (more than 2.1 million / year) - I'm thinking we should have an open house, of sorts, where victims of burglary can come into the homes of the criminals and take everything that's important to the criminal, but not until after the victims have an opportunity to destroy things they don't really want to take and completely mess up the criminal's home. These should be published in public places beforehand so people can come over and watch what the victims take and ridicule the criminal while it's all happening.
3. Murder (more than 16,000 / year) - I know this is not completely in alignment with the whole public humiliation theme, but I think there's only one thing to do here. Lethal injection by the folks who administer these in Florida ... these guys will make it hurt ... as it should. They still let people watch, so there is a sort of public humiliation here as well, but there's also no risk of the person re-offending, so it's not as important. For more info on that, see my post from December 15.

You can probably see by now that I'm sort of a fan of the "tit for tat" approach, but I'm willing to bet it's more effective than today's approaches. Anyway, that's all for today, sorry for the crankiness and the serious post. Maybe I'll be in a better mood tomorrow and post something funny. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road .... you never know when you'll have the opportunity to run over a car thief.

There's Nothing like Nue Love

Ahhhh ..... at last, the weekend has ended and we're back to work, which means ..... another week of The View from the Front Seat!!! Are you as excited about that as me??? Oh, speaking of excited, the day may have finally come when men can take back a little self respect and start falling over themselves a little less when it comes to pursuit of the ladies. That's right, it appears men now have a viable back-up plan (or perhaps "Plan A" for some) if we end up striking out with the ladies when we're out on the town. And who knows, maybe we'll even have greater success if we end up looking a little less pathetic and desperate ... just a hunch. So, how can this be, you ask?

I read a story on Wired News about an advancement in personal pleasure devices for men called the "Nue." I think this is really going to level the playing field a bit for us guys, and for those other guys who haven't had much luck in the past, maybe it'll at least get your ass off the bench and into the game ... if not, at least you can have a little more fun in the locker room. The Nue, similar to the Tenga (a masturbation sleeve only available in Japan - I think that's what gives them the business advantage they have), contains disposable sleeves (so no messy clean-up) and supposedly molds nicely around you for a good feel. One of the volunteers for the Wired News story explained "it doesn't feel quite like a human vagina, but I could almost accept it as an alien vagina." Now that intrigued me; think of the marketing opportunities ... "For a feeling that's out of this world, try the Nue ...." Now who wouldn't try that on for size? Oh God, I even astound myself sometimes.

Now guys (and some gals), before you spout off all the "nothing feels quite like a woman's touch" stuff, you may be right, but there are some advantages to the Nue that you may wish to consider, especially if you haven't had your best night with the live variety. For instance:

1. The Nue is only going to cost you about $7;
2. You don't have to lie about your job, income, family and sexual prowess to get into the Nue's pants ... I mean sleeve;
3. The Nue doesn't care if you pass out half way through;
4. You don't have to worry about finishing first;
5. You don't have to worry about washing your socks anymore;
6. Dudes ... for some of you, this is all you're going to get;
7. You don't have to stop watching the football game for 3 minutes;
8. You don't have to call the Nue the next day;
9. You don't have to come up with an excuse for your performance ... because ...
10. It doesn't matter that you're the only one satisfied.

The only issue it seems the Nue has is that the volunteers indicated it would work better if it was fastened to some sort of rack, so you can have both hands free. Come on though, what guys today aren't already looking for a nice rack? Again, I'm so sorry for this, but I'm always a little friskier at the beginning of the week.

I hope I got this to you before you finished your Christmas wish list guys. Anyway, that's all for today folks, so until next, keep your eyes on the road ..... and BOTH hands on the wheel.

Execution of Execution Botched?

Sadly, we have reached the end of another exciting week of posts from The View from the Front Seat, which puts me in a bit of a bad mood to begin with. So, you may find this post a little heavier than the usual light-hearted (some may say "silly," but we don't need to talk about them) look at what's going on in the world. I was checking up on what was going on in the world around me today and I found a story from the Associated Press about Florida and California halting executions after Florida "botched" a lethal injection.

I have to admit I found the logic and commentary around this greatly ironic. Florida was applying a lethal injection to inmate Angel Nieves Diaz, who murdered the manager of a Miami topless bar in 1979. Instead of the usual 15 minutes, it took 34 minutes for the execution to be completed because the needle was accidentally pushed entirely through the vein instead of just inside of it. Governor Jeb Bush suspended future executions "to ensure the process does not constitute cruel and unusual punishment." Diaz's attorney added her thoughts to the situation as well, indicating that it "shows a complete disregard for Mr. Diaz."

Perhaps I'm going crazy here, but aren't folks missing the bigger picture? Firstly, I'm thinking Mr. Diaz showed a bit of disregard for the gentleman he murdered in 1979. Secondly, despite that disregard Florida paid Mr. Diaz the courtesy of keeping him alive for approximately 27 years after he disregarded his victim. Thirdly, to address Jeb's concern about cruel and unusual punishment ..... um .... wouldn't the execution itself kinda constitute some cruel punishment? Dude, you're killing a guy ... I consider that pretty serious punishment. I don't get how the additional 15 minutes and a little more discomfort suddenly makes the situation cross the line into cruel and unusual punishment. And lastly, don't they still let people watch this happen? Where does that fall on the scale of "disregard" for people or "cruel and unusual punishment?"

Big picture people ..... we're arguing about this because of a few extra minutes and some additional discomfort .... when we've already decided to do some pretty serious things to a guy who showed some pretty hateful disregard for someone himself. When compared to the original murder, the decision to execute the criminal and propping him up in front of people to watch it all .... I'm thinking the part people are calling "botched" is like focusing on the 5 feet of grass in your backyard that burned after someone burned your house down.

Am I crazy?

That's it for today, so until next time, keep your eyes on the road ... you don't want to "botch" your vehicle.

Safer Roads with Safer Sex

Well hello folks; thanks for joining us for another commute. We had a very interesting and rewarding view from the front seat today; a HUGE difference from yesterday. Yesterday was certainly a day I'm trying to forget, but today .... today was a good day.

Signs, signs, everywhere are signs ... but it's not the road signs that are the most important signs when driving anymore. Based on a study I heard about today, I am very pleased to inform you that you are travelling with a couple of the safest drivers on the road when you join us for our commute to work ... the view from the front seat, if not interesting, is at least safe. Apparently, InsuranceHotline.com has recently completed a study of 100,000 North American drivers over the past 6 years and have found a significant correlation between driving safety and astrological signs, moreso than other factors (like age). Here's the great part .... Leos (those born between July 23 and August 22 - like ME) turned out to be the best drivers on the road (based upon number of traffic violations and accidents). This is great for three reasons:

1. I have now received the recognition I so dearly deserve for my driving abilities,
2. I have scientific evidence that my business partner Robert, who I carpool with, is not as good a driver as me, and
3. I found out that Leos are also "bedroom acrobats" .. not that I didn't already know that, but it was nice seeing it in writing. I know that has nothing to do with driving, but it's obviously worth pointing out, don't you think? There was one other site that labelled Leos as "egotistical," but there obviously mixed up.

However, the fact that Robert's Astrological Sign, Geminis May 21 - June 20), fared second best in the study, calls the results somewhat into question for me. It is true that he has never actually gotten us into an accident or received a ticket (when I've been there), so I guess the results may "technically" be valid, BUT I'm certain that a study with a slightly different focus would demonstrate that Geminis are the luckiest drivers on the road ... because we have had a pile of very close calls with him driving.

Who's the worst you ask? According to the study Libras (September 23 - October 22) are the worst, followed by Aquarians (January 20 - February 18). I am currently trying to teach an Aquarian to drive, so I can vouch for the validity of the study. I do feel bad, however, because it's obviously not her fault (although I thought it was in the beginning) ... it's her parent's fault. Now, if you've been paying attention to previous postings you'll know that Robert and I are problem solvers ... and here's another solution to one of the world's problems, road safety.

If we all work together, we can eventually eliminate the two worst groups of drivers on the road, thereby improving the safety for everyone on the road AND decrease our insurance rates. Are you on board so far? Good. So, all we have to do is practice safe sex between the following dates: April 20 - May 18 and December 23 - Jan 22. If we do that we will eventually eliminate (but for the odd oooops, if you know what I mean) all Libras and Aquarians, leading to much safer driving and more affordable insurance. Ok, so December 23 is coming up on us quickly folks, so make sure you get to the Pharmacy now, pick up your protection and be part of the solution. Oh, and if you're an Indian man and the condoms are too large, call Germany quickly and see if you can get in on the spray on condoms they're testing.

Ok folks, that's it for today; we'll pick you up again tomorrow. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... there are lots of Libras and Aquarians out there.

It's Just a Job ... Don't Get a Swelled Head

Hey hey friends; it's good to see you. So the view I had from the front seat today was NOT pretty and I'm not even referring to Robert, my business partner who I carpool to work with. In fact, I was alone today, so I basically had to talk to myelf this morning in order to get you some new material ... what I won't do for you guys. Anyway, the day started by my traveling to a Hotel for a meeting that I wasn't interested in going to in the first place; I know we've all been there before. The first problem was that I couldn't find the meeting room ... not because my sense of direction is bad, but because it was at an entirely different Hotel (same name, different place). That sucked, but wasn't a huge deal because I still had time to drive to the other location ... until I got back to my SUV and couldn't unlock my door .. because my ... um ... keys were on the ... um ... inside of the SUV. That, my friends, is a very bad feeling and not exactly the way you want to start your day. So then I had to pay for a cab to get me to the meeting I didn't want to go to in the first place.

The absolute worst part, however, was not the fact that I went to the wrong place, locked my keys in the SUV or even that I had to drop $30 on a cab. It was that all I could think about through the whole ordeal is what I posted in this blog yesterday (which I considered deleting today). If you haven't already read it, the post was about proving humans are not actually the most intelligent species, as scientists would have us believe. To prove my theory, I presented a few real life examples of what idiots humans can be and made quite a bit of fun of the subjects of the incidents. What I failed to do, however, is include myself as one of them. Well there you go; I guess it's possible that I may still have a little evolving left to do myself ... or maybe you guys just have me so tired from posting these blogs all the time that I can't think straight anymore. Again, what I won't do for you guys ....

Anyway, the events of this morning got me thinking about what other jobs may be out there for me, and I think I may have found one ... if I qualify. I think I meet all of the qualifications, except where I live. Condom manufacturer Durex is looking for people to test their products and they've chosen New Zealanders as their test subjects because they "are among the most sexually active and adventurous in the world." Some guys have all the luck, don't they? I've been told you make your own luck, so immediately after I finish this posting I'm going to be starting to learn a New Zealand accent; I know there are lot's of women who read these blogs and will be keeping their eyes open for the Kiwis now. What a difference a week makes. Last week I was talking about the news of Indian mens' pee sticks being too small for conventional condoms, which had to be quite a blow to their egos, and now we're making the New Zealanders heads swell (pardon me for that). If the Germans are reading this, now you have two different categories of guys to get to test your new spray on condom. Now that I'm thinking about it, what's with all the condom activity lately? Do we become more amorous around Christmas time or is this somehow linked to those recent Britney Spears photos on the Internet? By the way Britney, I didn't look ... I respect you way too much for that.

I also happened across another guy who, like me, has a job that's just a job. The Associated Press has reported that a teacher in Virginia was just suspended for sitting down on the job ... but not his teaching job. This ass actually paints his butt (and apparently genitals) and presses it / them against a canvas to create floral or abstract art, giving whole new meaning to "flipping the bird" (I know ... that was bad). However, he's not the real butthead in this story. He's actually selling these things online for up to $900 (but that one always looks really well hung). His most popular is $600. What kind of pee brains are buying those? Well, based on what I did today, who am I to talk ...

Until next time, keep your eyes on the road ... if you can actually get into your vehicle ....

I See Dumb People - Proof that Humans are not the Most Intelligent Species

Welcome back folks; it's time for another ride into work ... I'm glad you could join us. I had a very clear view from the front seat today, as we discussed a topic I am all too familiar with ... that humans, despite what the scientists have told us, may not, in fact, be the most intelligent species on the planet. I've known that humans can't be the most intelligent species since around the time I started carpooling to work with my business partner, Robert (or "Little Einstein," as he's sarcastically known around here). To further demonstrate my theory, which Little Einstein, of course, didn't completely understand this morning, I will share with you a few real life examples from recent news (from the Associated Press).

Let me start by passing along a little story about a friend of Little Einstein's from Kansas, Wichita to be precise. Like many unfortunate people, this guy had the unpleasurable experience of being the victim of an armed robbery, at his home. So, like any reasonable victim, he dialed 911 and reported the theft. However, this theft was a little different from any I've ever heard reported before ... a shotgun wielding crook stole his entire pound of marijuana that the reporting victim was attempting to sell! Do you think maybe the victim was performing a little "quality assurance," before he reported the theft or do you really think the guy just missed the potential flaw in his strategy? Anyway, not surprisingly the Police brought in a drug-sniffing dog (who was obviously much smarter than the victim) who found more marijuana and drug paraphernalia in the house, leading to possession with intent to sell charges. "Oh damn .... right .... the Police frown upon me selling drugs ..."

"T'is the season to be stupid, fa la la la la ...." We all experience the pressures that go along with Christmas; lots of presents to buy, but not lots of money. I can certainly understand why some feel they have to resort to crime to capture the "Spirit of Christmas." It is better to give than to receive, after all. I guess I've been fortunate enough, however, to never feel as desperate as a guy in Detroit did recently when he decided to scam Walmart out of approximately $850 with a bogus (poorly photocopied) check ... um ..... during their annual "Shop with a Cop" event. Yes, that's correct, our poor friend who's evolutionary process obviously stalled near the chimpanzee side of things (I know, that's not being fair to the chimps) pulled his car up next to the 40 marked squad cars in the parking lot and proceeded to perpetrate his very elaborate scheme (get cart ... load up with dream items ... proceed to cash ... ignore 80 uniformed Police Officers in store ... pass obviously bogus check). Shockingly, he was immediately apprehended. I didn't see the problem with the strategy either at first, but luckily, I have a friend, who's a dolphin, who spelled it out for me with a really cool waterproof marker.

Ok ... one more example and then I'll rest my case, so to speak. According to a recent survey, approximately 2/3 of Britons (I had to explain to Little Einstein that these were people from the UK ... not crackers) think that the Italian sauce "Arrabiata" is a sexually transmitted disease ... yummy. Not surprisingly, only 48% of these desperate dummies (I mean respondents) found body odor and poor personal hygiene to be a turn off. Interestingly, 80% of dogs surveyed have refused to hump a house guests' leg if they smelled bad. By the way, I heard that Interpol has now joined the investigation of the series of radiation poisoning incidents since the British Police have ordered the removal of all bottles of Polonium 210 from the pasta sections of British supermarkets.

Just thought I'd give you something to think about the next time you're bending over on the sidewalk to pick up the poop your dog just left for you ... who really is the smarter one????

Until next time ... no matter how sweet the view may be from the front seat, keep your eyes on the road people ....

Santa's Celebrity Naughty List 2006

Welcome back to another exciting week (well, at least for me, I guess) of The View from the Front Seat. Not many people know this, and I'll likely get in a little trouble for mentioning it, but Santa has partnered with our company, Cross the Line Designs, to provide many of the beautiful apparel items that people will be finding under their tree this Christmas AND new for this year, Santa wanted us to do up a little something for those who shouldn't be expecting anything from him this Christmas. They're all going to receive one of our "special" t-shirts, letting everyone know how naughty they've been.

The reason I'm telling you this is because, as a result, we know who has made Santa's Naughty List this Christmas ... and if you promise not to blab it all over the blogosphere, I'll let you in on the secret. There are far too many people who've been naughty this year to actually tell you about, so I'll limit it to Santa's Naughty Celebrity List and I'll also let you in on some of the additional commentary Santa (personally) provided to justify their inclusion. Ok ... here goes ... not in any particular order ... I think Santa may have been a little tipsy when we were speaking ...

1. Britney Spears - From what I can gather, Santa himself did not have a big problem with Britney. Santa tells me that it was actually Mrs. Claus that's responsible for Britney's inclusion on the list this year. Mrs. Claus is a little "old school" and, frankly, finds shaving a little distastefully unnatural and certainly not becoming of a respectable young lady. Strangely, she didn't mention anything about the lack of under-garments. Does that mean what I think it means? My, my Mrs. Claus, that's gotta be real cold to do at the North Pole. By the way, Santa wanted me to tell you, when he says "ho ho ho" to you Britney, he really doesn't mean what you think ... promise. And one more thing ... we're also sending you one of our nicest thongs with your On Santa's Naughty List t-shirt.
2. Richard Hatch and Wesley Snipes - Talk about the odd couple .... it was Santa who grouped you together, not me. Why are rich folks always doing stupid stuff like this? You have the money ... pay your freaking taxes and stop being so greedy; it's insulting to us folks who don't have the money, but still pay our taxes. And stop blaming everyone else; you knew what you were doing. "You made a deal with the Survivor producers?" Whatever! But you know what? It's not the tax evasion thing that would put Richard Hatch on my list .... I'm still far from over seeing his naked, fat ass on that beach. I'm scared to go to the beach now. Did you hear him complaining about he saw the producers smuggling food to the other contestants? He looks like he ate one of the other contestants. But on the bright side, Richie will be one of the most popular guys in the prison ....
3. Michael Richards and Mel Gibson - Being joint recipients of the "True Colors" award, has firmly entrenched these two ignorant lunatics "On Santa's Naughty List." Santa's a little upset that you think we're all so dumb to believe that you're "not really racist." Guys ... if you're not racist ... it doesn't occur to you to say those things if you're drunk or upset or whatever your excuse is ... I mean come on, Mel, we don't hate you for all of those crappy movies you make or are in ..... oh, well, I guess maybe some of us do .... sorry.
4. Eddie Murphy - Eddie, Eddie, Eddie ..... that's one of the oldest male tactics in the book ... deny and hope it goes away. I dunno Eddie ... Mel B. sure seems certain about this one. You're starting to look a little silly now, so the best thing I think you can do is start trying to make amends for your "temporary insanity" by shopping now for those baby clothes (if you need help, Cross the Line Designs has some great designs for the kids).
5. Lindsay Lohan and Gus the Camel - For Santa, this one fell under the "Who's the bigger lush?" category. Now Santa's not going to argue that either Lindsay or Gus would be fun to have at your Christmas party, but Santa will tell you you gotta make sure you have enough liquor there, or it's gonna be a short night. On the plus side, Lindsay seems to have recognized her problem and is getting help, which should be applauded; it won't get her off the Naughty List, but it's still a good thing. Gus, on the other hand, is a different story. Gus, for one thing, stole the Guinness he was caught with (form the folks at an Irish riding school) and then got the munchies so bad he consumed 200 mince pies that also weren't his AND I haven't heard a thing about him admitting he's got a problem. Gus, my friend, it's time to stop pointing your hooves at others and take the lead from Lindsay.
6. Me - This is obviously under protest and, like I said earlier, Santa was drunk when we spoke. I've done nothing wrong. I am excited, however, about getting a t-shirt. They're great!

Ok folks, I've said way too much. Remember, don't tell anyone; I don't want to end up on the list again next year. Until next time, keep your eyes on the road ...

Indian Women get the Short End

Welcome back friends of The View from the Front Seat; it's nice to have you along for the ride. Discussion during the commute to work today was dominated by a shockingly small issue .... the size of, um ... well .... appendages (thank God for my thesaurus) of Indian men. Indian men were dealt a hugely embarassing blow today with the release of findings of a study aimed at a very small problem (well, perhaps the problem isn't so small for everyone ... the problem is actually bigger than their ... oh, nevermind).

According to Reuters, the Indian Council of Medical Research conducted a two year study which found that condoms designed to international standards are too large for Indian men ... to the tune of one inch in length for approximately 60% of men and at least two inches in length for an additional 30% of men. A couple of things immediately come to mind:

1. I'm very sorry ladies, but I guess small guys need love too. I sure hope India has some "novelty shops," if you know what I'm saying. Oh God, I hope so.
2. Who the hell are the unfortunate folks who had to take the measurements for two years? You're scientists, couldn't you get a better gig than that? Good news though, I guess I don't actually have the worst job on earth.

So, bottom line here is that regular condoms aren't much good for our friends with the small predickament (sorry, I had to do that - I don't have much self control). They need our help and Robert, my business partner, and I believe we know the answer ... like we do for most things. I wrote a post on Monday, that you may recall, titled "Germans use their Heads," about a new spray-on condom being developed by a group in Germany aimed at providing men with a condom custom fitted to their individual size. The theme of my commentary on that was basically how I thought the group missed the boat, because most guys wouldn't be willing to stick their money maker in a can with movable parts to have a condom administered (along with some other reasons - scroll down and read the post people). I just thought it was a plain condumb idea. I, um, guess I might have been wrong. I guess there may be a small (hehe, sorry guys) market for this thing after all.

Here's our immediate solution to the problem. The German group is looking for people to help them out with trials with the prototype; it sounds like they may be having some difficulty finding willing participants (which should have told them something about their market size in the first place). The Indian men are looking for condoms that fit them .... sounds like a win-win to me ... so why don't you fly over there with a few boxes of prototypes and have some? AND maybe you can even test out the extra thick applications and make this a win for the ladies as well, who have been the real losers through all of this.

Aw, the folks here at The View from the Front Seat absolutely love bringing people together to solve the world's problems and this one seems like it's come together nicely. No need to thank us ... we gain our pleasure from you being pleasured ... or something like that.

That's all for this work-week; it's been a pleasure and we'll pick you up again Monday. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road, there are some crazy drivers out there.

Ooops! I Did it Again ..... and Baby I'll Do it One More Time, because It's My Prerogative!

Hey hey fellow commuters ... we have a huge announcement for you today. It is, truly, a very exciting day here for the folks at The View from the Front Seat and Cross the Line Designs. It brings me immense pleasure to inform you that the HOT, new theme song for The View from the Front Seat, written by our very own resident artist extraordinaire Fox Lee Roth, under collaboration with his younger brother David, called "Just a Gig We Know," is currently in the studio being recorded. Despite how much I want to, I can't yet tell you exactly who is recording it, but it will be ready soon and you'll definitely see (and hear) it here first.

Maybe it's Britney Spears (likely not nude) or Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton (you know I just did that for some cheap extra hits .... so sorry for that) or maybe it's someone even BIGGER!!!! You'll just have to come back everyday to see (but it won't be long, promise). What the lawyers and publicists will allow me to give you today is the lyrics for the song, just to get you all frenzied up with anticipation .... I know I'm having a lot of trouble waiting.Don't tell them I also told you this, but it's set to music quite similar to one of Fox's brother David's hit songs ... ok ... here it is:

"The View from the Front Seat,
Ain't it just so sweet?
Cruisin' through a world gone craaazy ....

We chat on our commute,
Think we're quite the hoot,
Oooh, can you blame me?

Maybe you'll agree,
Oh, won't you come and see?
Googlemetooooooooo,
Click on our site to read me ....

Buy a shirt or buy a thong,
At Cross the Line, you can't go wrong ...
Read the "Front Seat" - DAILY!!!!

Isn't that a great song? Now, tell me you're not excited to see that performed .... You won't have to wait much longer fans.

Oh yah, we didn't have much time after all the song fan fare, but there was one other thing we talked about today that we'd like to erect ourselves to acknowledge. We heard from our friends today at the Agence France Presse of a South African couple who were ordered by the Chief of their village to discontinue their hours of "love making" unless it is after 10pm and before 5am, because of the disruption it caused during neighbours meals and while watching television. Don't you think that's a little hardon them? The neighbours must like to eat and watch tv though, if they're willing to sacrifice their sleep ... Personally, I think we oughta not punish them, in my mind we should be giving them some skin and a standing O, if you know what I'm saying ....

Until next time, safe travels.

New Chemical Bomb brings down Plane

Hello again fellow commuters! The commute today was much less eventful and frightening (despite my business partner's driving) than a poor group of terrified passengers on an American Airlines flight from Washington, DC destined for Dallas, Texas. According to reports from the Associated Press, the flight was diverted to Nashville, Tennessee after several passengers informed flight staff that they smelled burning sulfur. Yikes .... as if there wasn't already enough to worry about when you're flying these days ...

All 104 passengers and crew members were taken off the plane for some fresh air and were screened (along with their luggage), while the plane was searched. The FBI was called in to question passengers and after three hours of some "intense questioning" they were able to determine that a female passenger attempted to launch an attack with a new type of chemical threat, using a weapon called a "stink bomb." Thankfully, her attempt was foiled when she could not get the matches she brought onboard to ignite the fuse (incidentally, rumor has it that the suspect was also not able to obtain her campfire badge while in Girl Guides). On the positive side, it did, apparently, mask the strong odour that is typically associated with these types of bombs.

Reports indicate that the suspect initially attempted to mislead the FBI investigators with clever talk of having a flatulence issue during the flight due to a pre-exisiting, undisclosed medical condition which apparently causes the production of excessive gas. Nice try, but I don't think that kind of a story can fool the highly intelligent readers of The View from the Front Seat, let alone the FBI! The problem was that despite the fact that the story just plain smelled funny (or not really funny at all, but you know what I mean) they couldn't prove she was lying, as the canines that authorities brought in to sniff the plane refused to stay on the aircraft long enough to locate the stink bomb.

Since the FBI could not prove malicious intent, the woman was not charged, but American Airlines did ban her from flying with them again. It's clear that despite the FBI's ability to sniff out the truth, American Airlines is certainly not willing to fart around with these types of situations. For that, they have both my respect and my business.

Until next time, take some time to enjoy the fresh, winter air. in the interim, I'll be researching this claim about the medical condition, because, if it's true, I also think my business partner may be afflicted with this, as many of our commutes seem very similar to this story.

Smells like Fish, Tastes like ... Armadillo?

Hi folks. Thanks for joining us on the commute to work today; I hope you enjoy the view. We had our first snowfall of the year here last night and it made me think about how nice it would be to spend Christmas in New York; I've always wanted to do that. Another thing I, and my business partner, Robert, wish to do is to get our asses out of our day jobs, so we're really hoping our business venture (Cross the Line Designs) continues to take off; we already have our resignations drafted. We spent the commute today thinking about how nice it would be to drop those resignations off and hit the road for NY, to move into our great new penthouses alongside beautiful Central Park ... not together though .... we're not those kind of partners ... not that there'd be anything wrong with that, but even if we were, he's not my type ... he's much to hairy and overweight and .. .I guess I should shut up about that now, before I get myself into trouble.

New York City is definitely a spot that has everything a person can look for. From great landmarks to wonderful shows, shopping and nightlife to exciting cultural and sporting events. But perhaps my favorite thing about New York City is the incredible selection of meats you can pick up at various markets to prepare your favorite dishes. I have to tell you one of my favorites from my last trip was the submarine sandwich I made from the beefy armadillos I got from a quaint market I visited in Queens. And the folks at Subway call themselves sandwich artists ... please! That's right folks, I said beefy armadillos, and that's not all the Food Safety Inspectors having been finding in markets around New York lately.

According to a story from the Associated Press, Inspectors have found numerous items of "illegal exotic fare," which I've reproduced for you in the form of one of my favorite Christmas carols, because that's just the mood this snowfall has me in. Ok, here goes (sing it if you know it) ...

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my Food Inspector gave to me ...
12 pounds of cow lungs
11 live iguanas
10 armadillos
9 skinned smoked rodents
8 gross singed chickens
7 bull frogs jumping
6 cans of fish paste
5 chimpanzees
4 gorillas
3 ducks feet
2 turtles
and a bad case of botulism

I was really hungry when I started writing this posting; now I think I can wait until tomorrow. Folks I am disgusted to tell you that the list above is an actual inventory of items that have truly been discovered by Food Safety Inspectors in New York City, one of my favorite cities on the planet. The good news is I now have a better understanding for why people are vegetarians .... see, it IS possible for me to grow as a person after all. I feel so good about myself now, I'm getting my appetite back! Maybe I'll have some pepperoni ....

Germans use their Heads

So Monday's here again folks, which marks the start of another exciting, surely insightful week of traveling with the boys from Cross the Line Designs on our commute to work, as we explain how we see things from our view in the front seat. Today the big topic for discussion was, as it is most days with us, yup, you guessed it ..... sex. People should stick with what they know best, right?

So if you're keeping up to date on your news (and if you're not, we'll make sure you know the most important things) you probably saw a story of how some clever Germans are using their heads, so to speak, to revolutionize our sex lives through the advent of a new, spray on condom. For those of you who strictly adhere to the "if it aint broke," (pun definitely intended) "don't fix it" mantra there apparently IS a problem with today's condoms (other than the little not 100% effective thing). Despite the current sea of options presented to you now in the "family planning" section (which has never made any sense to me, as you are planning NOT to have a family if you're visiting that area) of your local pharmacy, the German sex educators from the "Institute for Condom Consultancy" are catering to those guys who apparently need a condom to be "tailor-made" to their size.

The approach here is to develop a can which the lucky man will place his, um .... (oh God I can't believe I'm writing about this) ... tube steak ... into for a five second, 360 degree latex spraying, which will fit better and not slip (the why it doesn't slip part would scare the hell out of me). The makers are hoping the new condom (which I'm hoping they call "The Spray Job") will explode ... into the market by 2008 and will cost approximately 20 euros for the device and another 10 euros for the latex cartridges intended to be sufficient for 20 applications. For an additional 10 euros you'll be able to upgrade to the full wash, wax and spray model. Interestingly, the condom will also come in different strengths (no I'm not kidding), likely ranging from the "Why'd you even bother using this" application to the hugely popular with the ladies "Size DOES matter" application.

Although we are definitely supporters of the Institute's goal of "helping people enjoy better and safer sex lives," we do have a couple of comments and/or concerns. Firstly, how in the hell are we guys going to carry that can around in our wallets or pockets, like we do condoms today? We're going to still have to carry them with us for those occasions when we're out on the town and, you know, you meet someone. Will there be a belt clip like there is for your cell phone? If we have to carry a can anyway, maybe someone can create something like a tool belt where we can carry everything we might need to make the ladies think we're more than we really are. I have to admit it's going to be difficult to mask your expectations with the ladies when you're carrying around a big can (and will it be combustible like most aerosol type cans? Because that can be a problem too). "Is that a spray can in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"

And is there really an Institute for Condom Consultancy??? If so, I wonder if there are any openings in their Quality Assurance section. I bet they have some real good benefits there ... The other thing the Institue should consider doing, since they have it as part of their name already, is CONSULTING with people. Perhaps their heads are bigger than mine (sorry), but I'm thinking that if they did a simple survey of guys (lets call it some consultative work) about whether they would stick the thing that is probably the most important thing to them into a can with mechanically moving parts to apply a rubber substance which presumably you have to peel off (if you're lucky), AND have to work at carrying it around with you when you go out, most men would probably say "um ..... no thanks."

That's all for today ... we'll pick you up again tomorrow.

Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places

Ok, I know it's the weekend and this blog is supposed to be about all the things that happen on my commute to work with my business partner (on weekdays), but I stumbled across something today that disturbed me enough to not be able to go on with my weekend without sharing it with you (you can consider this your freebie for the month). Oh yah, it also may, um, hmmm ... Cross the Line (hehe, my apologies for the blatant advertisement) for some people, so if you have a weak stomach or can't get into an R-rated movie on your own, you should probably visit The View from Silverhorn Mountain instead (they'll treat you to some less disturbing silliness).

So I was catching up on the news this morning and stumbled across a story of infidelity that'll probably sound familiar to some. A poor wife from Washington found herself in the unfortunate position of walking in on her husband doing the nasty with his best friend. This story's a little (ok, well alot) different, though .... and no his best friend wasn't a guy .... it was "mans best friend." That's right folks, I'm talking about the family pitbull terrior (what a bitch)!!!! For some reason I immediately thought of Def Leppard's old hit "Love Bites." I mean ... ouch!! I did see one positive coming out of the story though; they obviously have some better dog obedience classes in Washington than they had here when I took my dog. Anyway, if that's not bad enough, the story gets worse ....

To make matters worse, the real animal lover found himself in big-time legal trouble too, as he became the target of Washington's new anti-bestiality law, which came into effect a little while before that (now get this) after the death of a dumb ass (not a donkey ... just a man with donkey brains) who allowed himself to be penetrated by a horse! It's no freaking wonder the people are sleepless in Seattle. On the positive side, and this is good for the t-shirt company I run, at least I now understand where those popular "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" shirts came from.

Have the stomach for one more? This will be the last one, I promise ... and I'll be as quick as a gazelle being chased by a dude from Washington. A 20 year old male from Wisconsin (remind me not to go to any States starting with the letter "W" - I think it stands for weird) was charged in October for molesting a deer carcass that he said sexually attracted him when he saw it in the ditch. When the Police arrived, arrested him and asked him how he was going to explain this to his family and friends, the man simply exclaimed "Oh deer" (sorry, I couldn't resist - I don't think part really happened). Good news for the guy though .... he was able to find a lawyer who, like himself, was willing to poke holes in anything (I am really, so, so sorry) and is arguing that the anti-bestiality law applies only to animals that are living, implying that it's somehow ok to have ... well, you know .... ick!

Ok, that's it .... I now feel like I need to have a shower and apologize to my dog, perhaps over a walk. Until next time, give those PEOPLE you love a little extra something to show them how much you ..... are glad they're not from Washington or Wisconsin.

Pretty in Pink, Bubba, Don't You Think?

Welcome to December everyone, one of our 12 favorite months here at Cross the Line Designs. Ho Ho's getting ready to bring us our goodies, well, at least some of us. Oh by the way, I'm thinking you should all lay off with the milk and cookies and perhaps think about a gym membership (like me) ... we have to leave the front door unlocked now because our friend in the red suit can't get his big ass down the chimney anymore. And with the crime today, that's just asking for trouble.

Oh it was such a beautiful commute to work today, seeing all the pretty sights through our rose colored windshield; we couldn't help but break into one of our all time faves. "I feel pretty ... Oh, so pretty ... I feel pretty and witty and bright ... And I pity any girl who isn't me tonight!" I also hear we're not the only dudes that have been singing that number lately ...

A few of the jails around the U.S. have apparently been experimenting with painting inmates cells pink (some also with added blue teddybears, for the young at heart, I guess) as well as providing pink jumpsuits for the already troubled boys to wear. Why you ask? Well come on folks ... isn't it obvious? It's all in the name of psychology. That's right ... pink is supposed to pacify people! You know, I'm obviously no Psychologist, but let me give you my theory anyway.

I've also read in places that studies have identified a higher than average proportion of testosterone amongst inmates than the regular public. I, on the other hand, am someone that people often describe as "metrosexual," (I bet you I'll rethink my inclusion of that in this blog later) so it's likely that I have a lower proportion of testosterone than, at least, the inmates. AND I can tell you with 100% certainty that were I to be surrounded by pink all of the time (forget the teddybears and the pink jumpsuits) I would not feel "pacified." I would liken this to being forced to listen to two consecutive Celine Dion songs and would almost certainly be looking for those responsible to ensure they're also "pacified," so to speak.

The other thing I've heard in the past is that there also exists within most jails a higher than average proportion of lonely men, looking for .... um .... hmmmm ..... love, shall we say? I think the Administration of the various jails also tends to frown upon the amorous relations resulting from the loneliness, and ... lack of women. So, I have to admit, I find it a little odd that the folks in charge, who obviously know better than I do, knowing about these already budding, "backdoor" (I'm so sorry folks) friendships would make these guys look, and likely feel, more like women .... Well, I guess if you gotta be Bubba's bitch, you might as well look the part ...

The Grinch who stole Christmas ... from North Korea

Today started much more comfortably than yesterday, as it was my turn to drive to work. Instead of worrying about who I wanted to say "I love you" to before I die (as a result of Robert's, my business partner's, driving), I was able to think about things more relevant to the purpose of this blog, like providing a look inside the minds of the clowns, I mean creators, of Cross the Line Designs. So one of the things that came into view from the front seat today on the commute to work was how Bush (and his gang of merry grinches - is that an oxy-moron? Emphasis certainly on the "moron" part) is trying to steal Christmas from the cute little character leading North Korea (Kim Jong Elf, I think).

I believe the hope here is that Mr. Elf will decide to drop his nuclear program in exchange for a reinstatement of his abilities to acquire "luxury" items like ipods, TVs, watches and liquor. Don't I feel stupid for thinking that almost all of those items were already made in Korea (well at least the ones I have in my house) ... but I guess I can actually learn some things from George W... Nonetheless, what a bold (I couldn't resist the emphasis, sorry) move! Now, I admit that I'm not the quickest person in the world, so please bear with me as I ask a few questions that I think may help me understand this move because, I have to admit, I'm having a little trouble at this point comprehending the move:

1. If a nation has the technology to manufacture a nuclear weapon, why can't they make their own ipods and TVs? And are there no bootleggers in North Korea?
2. If a nation really couldn't figure out a way to manufacture or acquire those items, why would they choose continued access to those items over the power they may gain from having a nuclear weapon? Have they not seen Pirates of the Carribbean? If you're guns are bigger can't you just take what you want?
3. Isn't Samsung both a huge manufacturer of "luxury" electronics items AND a Korean company?
4. If Kim (if I can call him that) is really using most of these items to give as gifts to people (as the reports suggest) why wouldn't he just start replacing them with gifts that he's already received as gifts (that he hates) from other people, like the rest of the planet does?
5. If Kim is actually giving away these luxury items to people, how bad can the guy be? It seems he may have a better understanding of the spirit of Christmas than Mr. Bush does. Remember George ... it's better to give than to receive ...

Anyway, I hope someone can help me out here because I'm sure there's a funny t-shirt idea in there somewhere that Cross the Line Designs could use ... if I only understood it better.

Sometimes no news is good news

Today, like every second weekday, started out a little uneasy for me as it was my business partner's (Robert) turn to drive us to work. I think the uneasiness (and I'm sugar coating the feeling quite a bit here) leads us (well at least me) to chat a little less about our business and about what's going on in the world that we can solve. I don't know about you, but I find it somewhat difficult to focus upon the world's problems when I'm trying to calculate the probabilities of making it to the next traffic light safely, but I think I'm getting a little better at it (perhaps I'm starting to fear death slightly less than before). On the positive side, I seem to appreciate my life (and even sometimes my job) a little more every second day as well, once I arrive at work.

Anyway, here's what was on my mind this morning as I was catching up on what's going on out there. Like every responsible adult (maturity level was not considered when choosing the term "adult") I have my homepage set to a site providing me with the most recent news from around the world (my choice is MSN), so I can start my day in the know, if you will. However, it often amazes me what things actually make the news. Like Pam Anderson and Kid Rock's SHOCKING break-up or Britney Spears hanging around with Paris Hilton and forgeting to put on her underwear ... why is this news to people? We all already know that any celebrity marriage will ultimately end, regardless of the number of times the same couple gets married (by the way, if you get married to the same person 3 times in 3 separate places, when you break up does it also count as 3 divorces? Or are they only getting divorced in one State but remaining married in two others? These are the types of things I'd like to see in the news ... something we can all learn from).

And the whole young, drunken, forgetting to wear underwear and then letting someone take your picture thing is also not news or even somewhat surprising anymore. By the way Britney, now listen closely to me sweetheart, you may be interested in acquiring a very fashionable "Where not only the eagles are bald" thong from Cross the Line Designs. That way you stay a little warmer plus we'll still get the idea without you actually having to show us everything ... just a suggestion ....

Now, here's my plea to MSN (but don't take me wrong, you're still one of my favorite sites): please give me some REAL news to talk about (and maybe even make some t-shirts about) ... you're killing me here!

The Launch of The View from the Front Seat

This is a very exciting time around here! Not only is it getting closer to the morning I wake up and find all kinds of wrapped goodies with my name on them stuffed under a beautifully decorated tree, but it's also an exciting time on the business and creativity fronts as well. My hope is that I can share these exciting things with you on a very regular basis. However, before getting into these things in detail, I think I'd better give you a little background on what I and "The View from the Front Seat" are all about.

My name is Drew. I have a business partner named Robert. We own a business called "Cross the Line Designs," focusing (at least at the moment) on creating unique, funny designs on apparel (mostly of the t-shirt variety) and other miscellaneous gift items. Um, yah, and the other important thing to know is that we carpool to work together everyday, which can be problematic on a whole number of different levels, as you'll discover if you continue to stay in touch with this blog. Anyway, a great deal of things happen during our daily commute, the least of which is planning the strategic (I laughed when I typed that) direction of our business. There are no issues too taboo to come up here and there aren't many that we don't think we know something about or at least can come up with something to say about. I must warn you though .... not all views expressed by us seem to be completely accepted by everyone else (although I think they should be).

This blog is intended to be kind of a behind the scenes look (or better yet .. .the view from the front seat), if you will, on where the ideas come from, for Cross the Line Designs, as well as provide a commentary (often including unique solutions) on the issues being experienced throughout the world. I hope you'll find this as fun and interesting to read as I will to write it AND I hope you'll be engaged enough to provide your own views in response.