Hello folks! Welcome back to another day of discovery ... at least about what was happening on the commute to work today. I must say I had one of my favorite views today from the front seat since this blog started. Why you ask? Well thanks for asking. It's because I learned of a wonderful story of people trying to assist a big fella with one of my favorite topics .... it sure is nice to see people banding together in an attempt to solve one of the biggest problems faced worldwide. You guessed it ... I'm talking about a bad sex life.
I have to tell you about a story reported over the weekend by the Agence France Presse, involving the use of a low-carb diet to improve the sex life for a big bear of a ... well .... panda ... in Thailand (and yes, I know I spelled pandemonium wrong in the title). Now listen closely guys (to the whole story, you lazy buggers), because I don't think this only applies to our friend Chuang Chuang (the big panda with the bigger problem). Or is it the zoo keepers who have the problem? You see, giant pandas are one of the world's most endangered species. To help with their preservation, the zoo keepers have been trying to get Chuang Chuang to mate with a foxy little (well not so little) pandette named Lin Hui. So what's the problem?
Well, it seems to be two-fold for the zookeepers and, if you ask me, not at all uncommon amongst humans either (which I'll get to a little later, but first let me deal with what the zookeepers think the problems are). So, firstly, Chuang Chuang appears, to the zookeepers, to have lost that loving feeling, if you know what I'm saying. Hey, that happens to all of us and there's always a reason ... which, again, I'll get to later. Secondly, Chuang Chuang is still carrying around a little extra Christmas weight (about 330 pounds). As such, the zookeepers are a little worried that if the big guy does start to feel the love again, he's going to be a little to heavy for Lin Hui to bear (sorry for that) when they're ... well ... you know ... doing it panda style. Lin weighs in at a shapely 253 pounds. The 80 pound weight difference has never been an issue in any of my relationships, but perhaps I've just been dating stronger ladies. Anyway, it seems to be a problem here.
So, two problems require two solutions right? Well that's what the zookeepers think anyway. Let's address the weight problem first. To get Chuang Chuang down to his apparently ideal lovin' weight of 308 pounds, the zookeepers have him on a strict less bread more bamboo branch (I hope this never happens to you) low-carb diet. The annual panda mating season is due to begin in mere weeks, so our hefty abstainer doesn't have much time to fit back into his mating speedos from last year.
The more interesting solutions, however, revolve around the problem of Lin not being able to get a rise out of him, so to speak. To help, the zookeepers have come up with two approaches. One has been to separate the two, which they have since December, in hopes that Chuang Chuang would miss his little teddybear Lin and want to get it on when she returns. The second, and by far my favorite approach, was to show them ... now pay attention people because I'm only going to say this once .... some "panda porn videos." Of course ... panda porn ... now how stupid was I not to think of that? Just the other day I was at Blockbuster and saw one I was interested in myself. I think it was called "Bear Naked" or something. Anyway, the zookeepers thought this may help coach the couple in mating techniques, but they decided to put the idea on hold because, now get this, research has shown that not all pandas learn from these videos ... perhaps it's the language barrier and they can't follow the story line. I'm thinking two things:
- Who the hell is out there shooting panda porn videos and why have I not received either a pop-up or spam advertising this? and
- Wouldn't it make sense to have less scientists studying the effect of panda porn on pandas and more scientists trying to ... I don't know .... cure cancer?
Ok, so there are the two problems along with the corresponding solutions from the zookeepers. I have a different theory about the problem and about the required solution. I believe the whole gaining weight and losing the fire in the pit things are not problems at all. They are simply symptoms of a different problem. What you don't know yet and what the foolish zookeepers have been overlooking to this point (and this is true .. .I am not making this up) is that the zookeepers actually arranged, in 2005, an elaborate, traditional Chinese wedding for Chuang Chuang and Lin Hui ... so the couple is now a married couple.
Now, since when did it become a secret that people lose their sex drive and become fatter after they get married? After learning that, I'm sure you'll agree with me that Chuang Chuang is nothing but normal ... his only problem is his marital status. Most men only have sex on their birthday and Valentine's Day after marriage. Knowing that, I believe you have to deal with his lack of desires the same way you would with any married man .... beer. You want to solve your problem? Easy. Get the brother liqoured up, take him out with some buddies (maybe to a strip club), introduce him to some hot, single pandettes and see if he gets himself a strange piece (my apologies ... I've even offended myself). If that fails, make sure he's still feeling the beers when he gets back to the den and chances are pretty good that he'll still be in the mood (if you know what I'm saying) and willing to overlook the whole nagging wife from an arranged marriage thing.
Alright, that's it for today folks. For those of you who stuck around to the end today ... what were you thinking??? I'll pick you up for the commute again tomorrow. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... and don't lose interest in what you're doing; there are single people on the road too, who still have lives.
