The Most Fun You can Have with Balls while You're Naked

Aw, look who's back for another ride with the boys to work; it's a pleasure to have you aboard again. We seem to be talking about more issues lately than we normally do, which is making it more difficult to decide what to actually tell you folks about, but ... that's what I signed up to, so I won't complain ... I'll just tell you about more than usual. Themes for today? People having loads of fun and someone else trying desperately to have fun.

In news that bowled me over with excitement today, the Associated Press reported that there's a group in Maine that has found it's a lot of fun to get their minds in the gutter (just not their balls) and get down to some no strings attached naked bowling. That's right, the Bare Nekkid Mainers organize several events where they rent out an entire bowling alley, cover the windows and doors, post signs indicating a private function is in progress, drop their clothing (but not their shoes of course) and see what they can knock over with their balls (mostly of the bowling variety). Police have indicated that the group is not doing anything wrong and the event organizer has further commented that "We're not doing anything sexually explicit, and we're not out there doing it on Main Street." Oh spare me (I know these are bad puns) ... I think you ARE doing something wrong folks, if you're stopping there .... Just make sure you don't get yourself too excited, if you know what I'm saying ... you don't want to run the risk of a line violation.

The Associated Press also informs of another situation involving a guy who's having nowhere near as much fun and is certainly desperate (and I really mean desperate) to have it. Apparently there's a university student in China who has posted an advertisement indicating his desire to rent a girlfriend for a ten day period, through the Loonie (I mean Lunar) New Year Holiday. His ad indicates he's looking for "an honest, kind and similar aged girl with a diploma." Dude, if you're looking for a girl with a diploma, she's likely smart enough to not let you rent her ... just a hunch. Anyway, he's apparently doing this because his family is pressuring him to find a girlfriend, but he's been too busy studying to find one. I'm no physics student, like him, but I'm smart enought to know it's going to cost him a little more than it's likely worth to keep up the charade long enough to keep annoying parents off his back. He's willing to pay 1,00 yuan (which is approximately $130). How's he going to explain the breakup after the holiday? In the long run, it may be cheaper to just invest now in a mail order bride (is it still called that if it's online?).

That's all for today; I'll pick you up again tomorrow. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... you want to ensure you're safe on your way to check out every bowling alley in your city.

Greasy Student and Paris Hilton Get Naked, both Stunned by Actions of Others

Welcome back folks; it's nice to have you along for another commute. The ride to work lately has been exciting, to say the least ... we've certainly had an interesting view from the front seat and the wackiness doesn't seem to be subsiding. What were the boys from Cross the Line Designs talking about today? One of our favorite topics .... nakedness!!! Sorry ladies ... we weren't naked, but if picturing us that way helps you enjoy this, then who I am to stop you?

The first incident I'll expose for you involves a slippery high school student who ended up stunned by the Police. The 18 year old moron (I mean male) from Ohio stripped down, greased himself up with grapeseed oil (to actually keep from being caught - obviously a strong science student) and ran towards some of the students during lunch break. Frightened onlookers, when asked about their fellow student, responded with "What a dick!" I'm not entirely certain what they meant by that, but apparently the guy has three dates for the first Friday night he gets out of jail. Police had to shock him with a stun gun twice to subdue him (because they couldn't catch him all oiled up the way he was). He's now been charged with inducing panic, public indecency, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. I'm sure it'll all be worth it for him though ... I remember high school and I'm certain he'll be erected (sorry ... I meant elected) into the high school prank Hall of Fame.

In other news involving someone who likes to be naked, Paris Hilton is apparently now suing the site (Paris Exposed) that has published her provocative pictures and videos, along with other "personal" information (like bank transaction records). The site claims they purchased the items at a public auction after Paris failed to pay her bill for the storage space where the items were housed, two years ago. The lawsuit alleges a couple purchased the items for $2,775 and then sold them for $10 million to the entrepreneur who created the site. Hmmmm ... maybe I'm crazy, but I'm thinking if I had stuff like that in a storage facility I wouldn't be keeping them there for two years AND I'd be making damn sure the bill was paid. Girl, if you're really that dumb ... you deserve what you get. Apparently Paris Hilton's people informed People's people (the magazine people) that she was "appalled" that someone would use her things for commercial gain and was "hurt" by the site. I'm thinking it probably had more to do with her intellect being exposed than her body ... she seems pretty comfortable with exposing that (although I haven't been able to figure out why ... I've seen more shapely fruit).

Alright, that's all for now; I think I left a video in my locker at the gym, but I'll pick you up again tomorrow. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... and your clothes on, but I could be flexible with that for the right person.

Everybody's Gone Bananas

Hey hey everyone! Welcome back for another stimulating ride. Despite arguments to the contrary, I am now convinced that there are indeed crazier (some might say "stupid," but they're just unfriendly) people than me out there. Thank God for the Internet, because otherwise I might go through life thinking I'm in the minority when, really, I have all kinds of company in the "What Were They Thinking Club."

For instance, I read today on Wired News about an "artist" from Montreal (that's in Canada for all of you geographically challenged), by the name of Cesar Saez, who is planning to launch a 1000 foot banana shaped blimp into low Earth orbit (between 100,000 - 160,000 feet up) over Texas. Why would he do this, you ask? Well isn't it obvious? I really have to get some smarter readers. Anyway, he's attempting to make an artistic commentary on the absurdity of American politics; especially the politics in Texas. AND he figures it's only going to cost about $1,000,000 (what a deal!). A blog is way cheaper.

So here's what I'm thinking ... the only thing more absurd than American politics is some moron spending a million dollars on a banana blimp intended to demonstrate that American politics is absurd. Oh, but wait a second .... maybe he's not the dumbest afterall. Apparently, he's already gotten someone to contribute to his endeavour .... the Canada Council for the Arts has given him $15,000, demonstrating to me that they're even more absurd than the artist, who's more absurd than American politics. Are you following this? I have a question .... if it doesn't work for some reason and gets away from where they launch it or it explodes ... would that make it a banana split?

In related news (I mean about people going bananas), I heard today that Kelly Ripa will be getting a botox injection live on the show. Did Live with Regis and Kelly get moved to Fox (the How pathetic can we make it network)? I have nothing against botox or anything else a person wishes to do to themselves to make themselves happier, but come on ... on the show???? Have the ratings gotten that bad? Has the show run out of things to do or talk about? I don't want you to get me wrong though ... that's not actually the bananas part. If it's ratings they're after, they're actually quite smart ... because I suspect they'll get a whole bunch of nuts making a special trip to the remote for that one. I betcha Jerry Springer is going to kick himself about not thinking of that one first. By the way, why is Kelly getting it and not Regis?

Ok, that's all I can stand for one day; I'll pick you up again tomorrow. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... there are alot of nuts out there ... and bananas ... Why do I feel like having a sundae now?

Robber Caught with Pants Down and Mannequin Thief Gets Hard ... Time

Alright folks, it seems crime is getting a little tougher these days ... at least getting away with it is in some cases. On January 2 I told you the story of a man from Detroit who likes to grab the ladies ... the wooden ones that is ... in a post titled "Man faces Hard Time for Stiffy Fetish." He was arrested after stealing sexy mannequins from stores, the last being a real hard body wearing a french maids outfit. That arrest happened only a week after he was paroled for his sixth break and enter conviction over a thirteen year period. Well, I can complete the story for you now ... the judgement is in. The dude goes back to the big house to serve more hard time (or is that time for being hard?). He gets 18 months to 30 years, which is quite a range if you ask me; it kind of reminds me of the way they do the weather forecasts around here. Anyway, mannequins everywhere breathed a sigh of relief that they're now safe again ... knock on wood (sorry for that one).

In other crime news, further demonstrating how difficult it is to get away with crime nowadays, Police were finally able to catch a robbery suspect who has eluded them several times in the past. The 16 year old robbery suspect, wanted for robbing a man at gunpoint and stealing another man's car after beating him with a brick, finally got tripped up .... by his own pants. Yup, the little moron was wearing those ultra cool low riding pants when he decided to play tag with the Police. He was faster than the Police, but he made one fatal error. He forgot to steal a belt from one of his victims, which would have prevented his unfortunate wardrobe malfunction during his escape. The poor guy's baggy-ass pants fell down around his knees, bringing him to his knees and allowed the gleeful, doughnut stuffed Police to finally catch him. By the way, in related news, a scientist has apparently created a product which is believed will revolutionize suspect apprehension for law enforcement officials everywhere ... a caffeinated doughnut. The product obviously does nothing to assist their speed or conditioning, but the buzz is believed to provide them the ability to run longer than their not so high suspects.

One Hard Week for Iguana

Welcome back fellow commuters; it's nice to have you along for the ride. I have to tell you, the view we had from the front seat this morning was ... unexpected ... to say the least. A truly unbelievable story was the topic of discussion today and I definitely feel obliged to share it with you.

I worship a new God; his name is Mozart. Mozart is an iguana from Antwerp whose story may make you "stiffen" with admiration, pride, fear, jealousy, wonder and amazement (to name just a few of the emotions I felt). Mozart, the name that has been music to the ears of ladies all over the animal kingdom of late, has had an, um ... well ... erection for more than a week. Now there's a dude with no need for all of those Viagra ads. Alas, the story takes a dark turn ... there's going to be a beheading, so to speak; the type of beheading that will definitely get a rise, so to speak, out of any guy. That's right folks, poor Mozart has to have his penis amputated. Thought of this, of course, would be more than enough to solve the problem on its own for most men; however, unfortunately Mozart does not read or write in English, or whatever language it is they speak in Antwerp (I think maybe it's Antwerpian). Because of the language barrier, his head obviously isn't in the same place as everyone else's (I can't afford the therapy required to stop me from throwing the bad puns at you, so stop asking). Now that I'm thinking about it "Antwerp" is kind of a funny name for a place isn't it? Not very masculine anyway, but I digress (sorry).

To keep you on the same emotional roller-coaster I was on when I heard the story, the situation actually takes an upwards swing. Veterinarians have indicated that the amputation will not adversely affect Mozart's sex life. How can this be you ask? Well stupid, it's obviously because iguanas have an emergency backup system. Yes, I am saying that they have two independently operating love sticks (that's actually the proper medical term for penises in Antwerp). Before any of you smart-ass ladies ask, NO this doesn't mean that iguanas also have two brains. What this does mean though, is Mozart won't be able to pick up the twins anymore, but he'll at least still be a player in the one-on-one games. Now I think you'll agree that whoever labeled the lion as the "King of the Jungle" was a little uninformed, weren't they? Alright folks, that's all for today; I have to get groin (I mean going). I'll be by again tomorrow to pick you up again, so make sure you get yourself erect (my apologies once again) and going early. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... you never know what may pop up in front of you.

By the way, as they always seem to be, the paparazzi were on hand taking some photos of Mozart, a la Britney Spears (those sick Bastards); if you're the type who needs a closer look, click here.

The Boy with the Killer Voice

Well look who's back for another another exhilirating commute to work; you just couldn't stand not seeing the view from the front seat, could you? Welcome back; it's a pleasure to have you along for the ride. Well I have some amazing news for you today and ... of course ... a solution to one of the world's currrent problems.

Most of you have probably either seen, or at least heard of, the American Idol auditions currently being conducted across the U.S. In particular, you may be familiar with how bad some of the voices are of the youngsters who audition. Well, I don't think American Idol has yet experienced a voice quite as powerful as that of a young boy in China. Reuters has reported that the screaming voice of a four year old boy has killed 443 chickens .... now that's power. Apparently, all it took to motivate the young man to hit those killer high notes was a barking dog. The dog scared the boy, who then leaned over a hen house window and screamed for an extended period of time. Now let me give you a little nugget of information about chickens (or a chicken nugget, if you will); chickens LOVE live vocal performances. The chickens, who obviously hadn't seen a performance like this since Guns 'N Roses broke up, were worked up into such a frenzy that they all rushed (as fast as chickens can rush anyway) the performance area and tragically trampled each other to death. Observers indicated it looked like an angry mob at the end of a World Cup football match, but we all know how excited a bunch of chicks can get at a concert. The father of the boy with the golden pipes was ordered to pay 1,800 yuan ($230) to compensate the owner of the chickens. The good news is the boys father now has over 800 wings to serve the guys at his SuperBowl party.

In other news, which I'm going to tie into the chicken news later (because I have an amazing solution to offer), fighting intesified in Australia between the invading animal kingdom and the retreating humans. Regular readers will probably remember the launch of Phase 1 of the animal kingdom's offensive .... the mass invasion of the frontline cane toad soldiers. For those of you who missed the story, click on Australia Invaded - War Declared for the details. To follow up on the devastation left by the cane toads, the animal kingdom has now launched a very deadly second wave, code named .... Operation Snake Bite.

Apparently, the drought in Australia has driven snakes to invade urban areas in search of water. Since Australia has approximately 100 venomous snake varieites, 12 of which are capable of killing people, this is a large problem. In fact, in very tragic, sad news, two people have indeed been killed by attacking brown snakes (one of the victims was only 16 years old). Reuters reports that there are typically between 500-3000 snake bites each year, with the most common aggressor being the brown snake.

So, considering the effects of the cane toads coupled with the venomous snakes, Australia has a big problem to solve, which is why the military was called in during Phase 1. However, it doesn't look from my vantage point that the military is actually any match for the attacking animal kingdom. BUT, I have a solution which I think Australia will be quite interested in. AND all Australia has to do is support China when they start shooting down everyone's satellites. Why? Because that way, China may send over Kid Kryptonite to save the day. That's right, the four year old with the amazing animal blasting vocal weapon ... I hear South Korea's also paused their nuclear program to pursue the development of this new voice activated technology. What the hell can NATO do about that one?

Ok folks, that's all for today ... solving the world's problems really tires me out. I'll pick you up again tomorrow for the commute. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... the animals are on the attack and they're smarter than us.

Cars aren't just for Driving Anymore

Hey hey folks ... welcome back for another wild commute. For those of you who drop in regularly, you already know that this blog is based upon the things that happen or are discussed during the daily commute to and from work for myself and my business partner, who carpool together. We spend a lot of time on the road and you wouldn't believe some of the things that come into our view from the front seat. Since we spend a good amount of time on the road, we were made uneasy (although we weren't surprised) by a recent report from Reuters.

Findings of a survey conducted by Nationwide Mutual Insurance indicated that 81% of Americans are doing things in their car other than completely focusing on driving. In case that doesn't alarm you on its own, here's some of the things that are going on (or were at least admitted to):

• 73% talk on the phone. I can't understand how we actually got through life before the advent of cell phones.
• 68% eat. That's way more lazy people than I would have guessed. Why can people not grab something to eat before they drive? I'm sure this is also quite tightly linked to the percent of people who are overweight ... because the lazy buggers are going through the drive-thru, stuffing their faces and putting everyone at risk. I'd like to know what percentage are Big Macs .... those friggers are definitely two-handers.
• 19% send text messages. Now this one really scares me. My phone has a keyboard on it to make it easier to send text messages than regular cell phones and mine takes some concentration to send a text message without driving. Nobody will convince me that these morons are actually watching the road.
• 5% read email. Same morons as above I'm sure.
• 19% fix their hair. If you're looking to die in a car accident, they have people who are going to fix your hair for you before you get displayed in your box ... so don't bother messing with your hair.
• 12% put on make-up. People, you're not going to get any better looking in the car than you were before you left. Why don't you jsut try getting your lazy ass up a few minutes earlier .... maybe you'll even have a better chance of getting that make-up on straight if you're not doing it in the car.
• 2% shave. I'm really starting to think that there are a lot of people (I'm not sure I can use that word but I don't have a better one yet) that haven't completely evolved from their monkey ancestors.
• 38% have admitted to driving a certain distance without having any recollection of doing so.
  Some drivers also admitted to changing seats with passengers, watching movies, painting their toenails (that's gonna need some flexibility to still keep your eyes on the road), nursing a baby (didn't Britney do something like that?) and putting in contact lenses (why do you need to see better if you're not looking at the road anyway?).
• 83% believed they are safe drivers. Ok, well .... hmmmm ..... wouldn't that leave 17% that don't believe they're safe drivers? Does anyone find it interesting that this group would still drive? Perhaps this is just that theory of natural selection thing at work ....
• This wasn't in the survey, but I've also seen people reading a book and brushing their teeth ... and I'm sure you have stories too ...
  

This just in ... a follow-up study has found that a whopping 100% of the people in the bullets above are complete idiots who should not have driver's licences and probably should not be permitted to be out of the house alone without supervision. Also according to the survey, the 18-27 year olds "multi-task" the most. Do you think there may be a link here to the fact that car accidents are also the leading cause of death for the same age group? Hmmmm .... I wonder.

Alright, that's all for today ... I'll pick you up for the commute again tomorrow. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... oh forget it; if you're doing that kinda shit in the car, you're not intelligent enough to understand what I'm saying. I think I'm going to go now to get a bus pass. I'm thinking I'll stand a better chance in a vehicle that size.

Freedom of Speech, at a Cost?

Welcome back folks for another exciting commute to work with the boys from Cross the Line Designs. We had a very clear view from the front seat today on the ride in, but I have to tell you ... the view was not pretty. Typically, we discuss mostly light-hearted topics that really have no great meaning or value to anyone other than us, but today ... today something really got us charged up, which is difficult to do considering we typically don't have the energy between us to skin an apple. So what had us so hot this morning?

The limits placed upon our "right" to free speech. I've actually been questioning lately whether or not we actually do live in a "free" society. Reuters reported today that a passenger was not allowed passage on a Qantas Airline (an Australian Carrier) flight because he was wearing a shirt which labelled George W. Bush as "World's number 1 terrorist." Are they kidding? When did the world get so crazy? When did we reach the point where we are disallowing a person from stating how they feel about something? Qantas released a statement following the incident that they will "not tolerate" comments made verbally or on a t-shirt which could possible offend other travelers or threaten the security of the aircraft. I can understand Qantas being concerned with things that threaten the safety of an aircraft; however, I really have to laugh at the whole protecting passengers from being offended by someone. Please .... are they for real?

Most airlines themselves base their passenger bookings upon a structure which many people find completely offensive. Don't you think it's a little two-faced for an airline to say that anything that has the potential to offend another passenger "won't be tolerated," when they're perfectly fine with accepting more money from some passengers facilitating the creating of a class structure on their flights? I fly a great deal and, although it doesn't bother me, I can tell you that there are many people who are offended by the creation (and description) of a "first class" section and a coach section. Anyway, despite the irony of the airline's statement and class structure, I find it incredibly offensive that Qantas would have the self-righteousness to declare on behalf of all people that another person's opinion on an issue is offensive and one which cannot be expressed to others.

I can say with complete certainty that I would not tolerate Qantas trying to determine on my behalf which opinions I am entitled to hear. It does not matter whether I support the person's view who wore the anti-Bush shirt, that person, regardless of how distasteful some may find his view, should (I used to think we did) have an absolute ability (I used to think it was a right) to express their view. Others are free to ignore it, agree with it or disagree with it (and express their view in return).

I strongly believe that without differing opinions (which are often controversial) and the ability to express those opinions, we will often not arrive at the best possible decisions for the planet. The ability to speak freely is one of the fundamental principles that free society is supposed to have been built upon. There will likely always be people who try to stifle this, particularly when they are of an opposing view. These are the people (like Qantas) who are acting offensively. Lucky for me, I am one of the partners in Cross the Line Designs, who, among other things, designs and markets t-shirts that express viewpoints which may be considered controversial by some. Prior to this, we had not ventured into the world of politics. However, Qantas has inspired me to branch out into this area ... because I'll be damned if someone's going to try to tell me what opinions I'm entitled to hear or what views I'm entitled to express. If I think a certain way, I'm going to say it and I expect that others will do the same. To do otherwise and still claim we enjoy freedom of speech or live in a free society is naive.

Anyway, I felt the need to protect my freedom today, inspiring the creation of a few new designs, like the "Save freedom" and "Are we really free?" shirts along the right hand side of this blog or at our store front.

Carjacking can be a Real Pain in the Butt and so can Rosie O'Donnell

Hey folks! Welcome back to the View from the Front Seat ... a commute to work more fun than ... well ... I'm not going to lie to you ... it's really not that much fun ... but we are ocassionally informative at least. Like today for instance. Today we learned something and we hope you will too. What did we learn today? We learned that carjacking is becoming a bit of a tough gig.

The Associated Press reported yesterday that a guy trying to carjack a couple in a Walmart parking lot got more than he planned for. When the carjacker pulled a gun on the driver and demanded his keys, his gutsy knightess in tight, faded jeans and a wife beater (or is that just my fantasy?), in the passenger seat pulled a piece of her own and took 5 shots at the jackass (I mean jacker). Luckily, one of the 5 shots actually hit Jack's ass (I mean the carjacker's butt - sorry, I've been mixing my anti-depressant medication with various household products for fun and I just feel a little sillier than normal). The carjacker was arrested at the hospital where he went to get his asshole fixed (the one that wasn't supposed to be there).

Since we're on the topic of pains in the ass, I'll give you one more little tidbit of news (see how informative we can be?). Two-faced (and at least two chinned) Rosie O'Donnell is at it again, slinging her very short-sighted (no I guess it's more blind than short-sighted) moral righteousness around the airwaves. This time she set her sights on the American Idol judges (Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson) for making fun of people and then laughing at them when they leave the room. I thought I had the worst memory in the world, but apparently Rosie trumps (sorry for that, I don't mean Donald) me. Where does she get off preaching that someone shouldn't be making fun of someone else??? If my memory serves me correctly, she was the first to spit out an insul the Donald's way. I believe she started by talking about the irony of Donald Trump, of all people, deciding upon a morality issue and continued to talk about his bad hair and his bankruptcy problems. That seems to border on making fun of someone (or perhaps worse). And in the very tirade she had about the American Idol judges she described them as "three millionaires, one probably intoxicated." One probably intoxicated??? Good stuff Rosie; you sure showed us that you're built of much stronger moral fabric than the judges you're complaining about ....

Anyway, like Paula Abdul, my head's starting to spin now, so I better end this here. We'll pick you up again tomorrow for the ride to work. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... and for God's sake, don't make fun of anyone ... even those people who think people can't seem them picking their nose through their windows .....

Bloggertainment Tonight

Hey folks; welcome back to another commute with the boys from Cross the Line Designs. So what was the topic of discussion on the ride today? A little odd for us, but it was entertainment news; perhaps we were hoping to be someone else today ... not necessarily the folks I'll be reporting on in a moment though.

Just when I thought Britney Spears was getting a little low-class for me, she pulls it out of the fire. Apparently, little Ms. Spears dropped about $40,000 a night to stay with her new guy (Isaac Cohen) at the Hugh Hefner Sky Villa at Palms in Vegas. This pad is pimped to the max too, with a jacuzzi pool (so you can't tell who's really making the bubbles), a glass elevator (which makes me think of a famous Aerosmith song - damn) and an 8 ft revolving bed (which I actually also had at the $40 Motel 8 I stayed at the other night .. or maybe I just had the bed spins). I'm very appreciative of you Britney, because I'm using this as an example of how to treat your man ... Valentine's Day is coming up and I'm starting to feel pretty lucky, if you know what I'm saying.

Always the giving soul, Britney didn't just treat her beau over the weekend. Apparently, Britney made an appearance at Coyote Ugly (which I hear Britney is considering buying and changing to Ugly Beaver) while in Vegas and gave an impromptu show to her adoring fans (none of which were Iraqi because I couldn't find any video footage from anyone's cell phone online) when she jumped up on the bar for a dance. Hoping for something a little more Toxic, fans heard her requesting the bar staff to "Hit Me Baby One More Time." To state the obvious, according to an onlooker, the crowd "went bananas" (I'm not sure if they had them in their pockets or whether they were just happy to see her).

Britney's ex (and his new ex) also made news recently. Apparently, Justin Timberlake was having a nice chat with Jessica Biel (I think about how he brought sexy back) after the Golden Globes at Prince's afterparty, when Cameron "I'm going to rip your d&%k out of the box" Diaz approached. Jessica's crazed ex radar went off and having previously seen Cameron's moves in Charlie's Angels, she obviously scrammed. Rumor has it that Jessica wants Justin to "Rock her Body;" she's been seen showing up around Justin a bit lately ... I'm sure it won't be long before official word is out. Anyway, after a bit of an unfriendly exchange Justin followed Cameron to a more private room asking Where is the Love (I'm sorry about all the song references - it's just how I roll) prior to taking some abuse for about 40 minutes. I'm really finding it hard to feel for ya Justin ... Cry Me a River.

Another guy I don't think I'll be worrying much about is David Beckham. If you haven't heard, Beckham is leaving his team in Spain for a more posh (I know I'm horrible for this) life in Los Angeles, playing in the MLS for the LA Galaxy. And he's doing it all for just $250 million, which is about $1 million /week ... obviously tough to take for his Spice Hurl (I mean Girl) wife, who's already been out doing some house shopping in the LA area.

Ok, that's all for tonight; I have to get back to my comparatively pathetic little life. I'll pick you up again tomorrow for the commute. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... you can't bring sexyback if you're in an accident.

New Sex Diet Causes Panda-monium

Hello folks! Welcome back to another day of discovery ... at least about what was happening on the commute to work today. I must say I had one of my favorite views today from the front seat since this blog started. Why you ask? Well thanks for asking. It's because I learned of a wonderful story of people trying to assist a big fella with one of my favorite topics .... it sure is nice to see people banding together in an attempt to solve one of the biggest problems faced worldwide. You guessed it ... I'm talking about a bad sex life.

I have to tell you about a story reported over the weekend by the Agence France Presse, involving the use of a low-carb diet to improve the sex life for a big bear of a ... well .... panda ... in Thailand (and yes, I know I spelled pandemonium wrong in the title). Now listen closely guys (to the whole story, you lazy buggers), because I don't think this only applies to our friend Chuang Chuang (the big panda with the bigger problem). Or is it the zoo keepers who have the problem? You see, giant pandas are one of the world's most endangered species. To help with their preservation, the zoo keepers have been trying to get Chuang Chuang to mate with a foxy little (well not so little) pandette named Lin Hui. So what's the problem?

Well, it seems to be two-fold for the zookeepers and, if you ask me, not at all uncommon amongst humans either (which I'll get to a little later, but first let me deal with what the zookeepers think the problems are). So, firstly, Chuang Chuang appears, to the zookeepers, to have lost that loving feeling, if you know what I'm saying. Hey, that happens to all of us and there's always a reason ... which, again, I'll get to later. Secondly, Chuang Chuang is still carrying around a little extra Christmas weight (about 330 pounds). As such, the zookeepers are a little worried that if the big guy does start to feel the love again, he's going to be a little to heavy for Lin Hui to bear (sorry for that) when they're ... well ... you know ... doing it panda style. Lin weighs in at a shapely 253 pounds. The 80 pound weight difference has never been an issue in any of my relationships, but perhaps I've just been dating stronger ladies. Anyway, it seems to be a problem here.

So, two problems require two solutions right? Well that's what the zookeepers think anyway. Let's address the weight problem first. To get Chuang Chuang down to his apparently ideal lovin' weight of 308 pounds, the zookeepers have him on a strict less bread more bamboo branch (I hope this never happens to you) low-carb diet. The annual panda mating season is due to begin in mere weeks, so our hefty abstainer doesn't have much time to fit back into his mating speedos from last year.

The more interesting solutions, however, revolve around the problem of Lin not being able to get a rise out of him, so to speak. To help, the zookeepers have come up with two approaches. One has been to separate the two, which they have since December, in hopes that Chuang Chuang would miss his little teddybear Lin and want to get it on when she returns. The second, and by far my favorite approach, was to show them ... now pay attention people because I'm only going to say this once .... some "panda porn videos." Of course ... panda porn ... now how stupid was I not to think of that? Just the other day I was at Blockbuster and saw one I was interested in myself. I think it was called "Bear Naked" or something. Anyway, the zookeepers thought this may help coach the couple in mating techniques, but they decided to put the idea on hold because, now get this, research has shown that not all pandas learn from these videos ... perhaps it's the language barrier and they can't follow the story line. I'm thinking two things:

1. Who the hell is out there shooting panda porn videos and why have I not received either a pop-up or spam advertising this? and
2. Wouldn't it make sense to have less scientists studying the effect of panda porn on pandas and more scientists trying to ... I don't know .... cure cancer?

Ok, so there are the two problems along with the corresponding solutions from the zookeepers. I have a different theory about the problem and about the required solution. I believe the whole gaining weight and losing the fire in the pit things are not problems at all. They are simply symptoms of a different problem. What you don't know yet and what the foolish zookeepers have been overlooking to this point (and this is true .. .I am not making this up) is that the zookeepers actually arranged, in 2005, an elaborate, traditional Chinese wedding for Chuang Chuang and Lin Hui ... so the couple is now a married couple.

Now, since when did it become a secret that people lose their sex drive and become fatter after they get married? After learning that, I'm sure you'll agree with me that Chuang Chuang is nothing but normal ... his only problem is his marital status. Most men only have sex on their birthday and Valentine's Day after marriage. Knowing that, I believe you have to deal with his lack of desires the same way you would with any married man .... beer. You want to solve your problem? Easy. Get the brother liqoured up, take him out with some buddies (maybe to a strip club), introduce him to some hot, single pandettes and see if he gets himself a strange piece (my apologies ... I've even offended myself). If that fails, make sure he's still feeling the beers when he gets back to the den and chances are pretty good that he'll still be in the mood (if you know what I'm saying) and willing to overlook the whole nagging wife from an arranged marriage thing.

Alright, that's it for today folks. For those of you who stuck around to the end today ... what were you thinking??? I'll pick you up for the commute again tomorrow. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... and don't lose interest in what you're doing; there are single people on the road too, who still have lives.

Animals Learn from Roadrunner ... Continue to Outsmart Humans

Welcome back folks and thank you for joining us on another commute. The view from the front seat today was a little ... embarassing. Back on December 12/06 in a post titled "I See Dumb People: Proof that Humans Aren't the Most Intelligent Species," I presented clear evidence that humans are actually no match for the animal kingdom. Today I am, unfortunately, in the position of having to present further evidence of just how inferior our species is to those of supposedly "inferior intelligence."

The first example is actually quite disheartening, because it resulted in real tragedy. Reuters has reported that a retired gentleman in Germany, in an attempt to stop a group of pesky moles from digging up his garden, rigged up a high-voltage cable and strung it along his garden floor, attached to metal spikes in the ground. The idea here, obviously, is that the moles would sneak along, touch the 380 volt cable (that's correct ... I said 380 volt) and ZAP ... fried mole. The only problem here is that the guy ... um ... touched the cable first and ... well ... you can guess the rest. The moles survived ... the hunter did not. It is a real tragedy because someone actually lost their life here, so I don't want to make light of it, but you can't minimize the fact that it doesn't support claims that humans are the most intellectually advanced species. Ok ... so after the first half ... Animal Kingdom - 1; Humans - 0.

Alright, now let's transport ourselves back to the other side of the pond ... to Cape Coral, Florida. Here, according to the Associated Press, lives a man who gets a little hot under the collar when it comes to bees. The 38 year old man beecame burning mad when he found a nest of bees outside his home, but luckily, he had a plan (which I'm sure he must have gotten from Tim Taylor on Tool Time). During a covert sting on the bees hideout, the man attempted to unleash a lethal dose of Real Kill Indoor Fogger, mixed with WD-40 ... a surprise shock and awe campaign. Well, I'm sure he was surprised ... when he found out the products he mixed together created a flame thrower and I'm sure he certainly looked shocked at how quickly it melted his siding and set his home ablaze .... I can only hope the guy was buzzed (sorry) when he tried to take care of problem, because I can't explain his beehaviour otherwise. So, as time expires the scoreboard reads ... Animal Kingdom - 2; Humans - 0.

Ok, that's all I can stand for today; I'll pick you up again for the commute on monday. in the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... there are a lot of humans out there operating dangerous, heavy machinery.

There's Something Fishy about this Toilet

Hello again everyone and welcome back to another exciting commute to work with the boys from Cross the Line Designs. The view we had from the front seat today was ... interesting, if nothing else. Today we talked about places where we like to have fun; I certainly have a few on my list. Walt Disney World, of course, is and likely always will be at the top of my list; it is, afterall, the most magical place on earth ... but that's an obvious one. There are others.

One of my favorite places to have fun though that would likely surprise most of you is .... the restroom (and it's also where I do some of my best thinking for some reason). AND it even just became a whole lot more exciting!!! According to Reuters, AquaOne Technologies Inc., out of California, has started selling the Fish 'n Flush, a two piece toilet tank containing a see through aquarium that wraps around a traditonal toilet tank. For those of us who don't mind being watched when when go, we can now pee with the fishes or talk about another big one that got away from us, so to speak. I'm not exactly sure what kind of fish would be best for the tank, but I'm thinking anything from the smelt (I'm really sorry for that) species would probably be appropriate. Now when someone says "Ewwww ... it smells like someone died in there ..." it may actually be true. Folks are also marketing this as a great way to assist their children with potty training, so i guess the new toilet makes the restroom both fun and educational.

News of this certainly made me reflect upon what made restrooms a fun place prior to the advent of the new Fish 'n Flush. As a result, I've compiled a list of my former favorite things to do in a restroom, which will be especially beneficial to those of you who can't afford the Fish 'n Flush or just think it's plain weird to go fishing in there. Ok, so here's the fun list ... I will not be held responsible for the consequences:

1. Cheer and clap loudly each time someone breaks the silence with a bodily function noise;
2. Squirt a bottle of Mountain Dew erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling "Whoa! Easy boy!"
3. Say "Hmmm ... I've never seen that color before;"
4. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from about 6 to 8 feet above;
5. Say "Now how did that get there?";
6. Squish a snickers candy bar in your hand, reach under the stall and say "You got anymore toilet paper over there? This side's completely out;"
7. Say "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me;"
8. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks;
9. Say "Interesting ... more sinkers than floaters;" and
10. Spread peanut butteron a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbour. then say, "Whoops, could you kick that ack over here please?"

I certainly can't take credit for coming up with all of the fun restroom games, but I can vouch for their effectiveness and guarantee you hours and hours of slap your ass excitement. By the way, I prefer chunky peanut butter for #10.

Ok, that's all the farting around I can manage for today; I'll be back to dump more on you again tomorrow. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... shit happens.

Unticketed Passenger Sneaks on Plane and Attacks

Welcome back folks! I am now back home from beautiful Tempe, Arizona and finally back to normal, which means a regular commute to work with my business partner, along with an update on the never dull discussion ... or what we like to call The View from the Front Seat. So what was on my mind today? Well I just returned from Arizona via air, so flying was still on my mind.

Well it was one of those trips marred by delays, as if it isn't bad enough having to show up so early before your flight leaves in the first place. The reason? Maintenance. Apparently, there was smoke coming from the bathroom on the plane, which suggests to a small minded person like myself that perhaps something is or was on fire. It stands to reason that after announcing that to a group of people who are due to get onto the plane that the customers may be a little reluctant to actually get onto the plane and that maybe they should consider getting a different plane. However, not to the group of top notch aeronautical technicians working that particular shift, as they decided to try to "fix it." Hmmm ... you know, again I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but it seems to me like it'd be a bit of a tough sell to get everybody on the plane after it's been on fire, even if they said they "fixed it."

Anyhow, after at least of couple of hours of trying to fix the plane, they decided that they actually couldn't fix it (which was shockingly surprising to all of us uneducated passengers) and decided to wait for another plane to come in that wasn't actually scheduled to go back out anywhere else. So, another couple of hours after that, one actually arrived that didn't have any further plans for the evening and we were all able to get on board and fly home, but I didn't get home until the middle of the night, so I was a bit tired and cranky the next day ... which really isn't that different from my typical mood. So why'd I tell you this boring story? Because, apparently, some flights are actually worse than mine.

Reuters has reported that a man on an American Airlines flight from Miami to Toronto was stung by a scorpion, which crawled out of the man's own napsack. The man had been camping in Costa Rica with his brother and surmised the scorpion hid out in his bag while there. After an intense interrogation session, security officials reported that the clever scorpion impersonated a hair brush, which allowed the scorpion to escape detection during the x-ray examination of the carry-on bagage. Always quick to act when safety is at risk, American Airlines has apparently already changed their list of prohibited carry-on items to include dangerous arachnids and have provided enhanced training so security screeners to help them detect them in their disguised forms. As if there's not enough to worry about when flying these days. The return flight was delayed while authorities searched the plane for more of the South American free-loaders.

Before I go I have to update you on a story I passed onto you Friday. In the post "Thief's bag full of Pee," I described the story of a gentleman the British Police were hunting for in connection with the theft of a urinal from a British pub. Toilet owners everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief, as the guy couldn't keep it in any longer and has turned himself in, urinal still in hand. The man claimed he took the urinal as a souvenir, contrary to guesses that he may have been a plumber hoping to sell the urinal. In any event, the Pub owners are reported to have been quite relieved (sorry for that) to get their toilet back and hoped it would lead to less men being left hanging (if you know what I'm saying) in restroom.

I'll mention one more piece of exciting news ... Cross the Line Designs has introduced the first pieces in our new St. Patrick's Day line of clothing. Check them out here and make sure you're ready for one of the biggest parties of the year.

That's all for today. We'll pick you up again tomorrow for the commute to work. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... you never know when somethin's going to Cross the Line (I couldn't help one more plug ... I haven't done it in a long time).

Thief's Bag full of Pee

Welcome back to the View from the Front Seat, which is still temporarily coming to you from beautiful Tempe, Arizona, home of the ASU Sun Devils. Speaking of devils, I've got a story for you of a thief who definitely has a lot of balls, so to speak. According to Reuters, the British police are on the lookout for a guy who was captured on video stealing a urinal from a restroom in a Southampton pub. That thief sure put the "p" in swipe, if you know what I'm saying.

Apparently he demonstrated he was quite a toilet wiz (Oh God, I'm starting with the bad puns again) from the way he efficiently disconnected the water, removed the urinal from the wall, stuffed it in an obviously large backpack and walked out with it. A guy certainly has to have a large bag (in more ways than one) to do that, doesn't he? I thought the guy had to be piss (sorry) loaded, but according to the story he only ordered half a pint. Owners of the pub couldn't hold it in any longer and when asked about it, they exploded about how peeved they and their patrons are, as a lot of the guys have just been hanging out (I really have to stop doing that) in the restroom since the theft ... there's certainly a lot of unhappee peeple. I'm not sure whether the thief will face any pisson (I mean prison) time for this, but I don't think I'd risk it. In any event Mr. Toilet Thief, urinal lot of trouble when the Police flush (I can't help pissing out the puns tonight) you out of hiding.

Alright, that's all I can stomach for tonight; I'm going to go try to get the "p" back in my pride. I'll pick you up again for the commute next week, when I'll be back home and back to normal, sharing the wisdom from the commutes to work with my business partner. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road .... and make sure you use the bathroom before you go; you never know where you'll find the next toilet.

Boy Wonder or Wonder Boy?

Hey hey folks; welcome back. I'm still in Tempe for another few days so the commute to work was an elevator ride this morning, rather than a dangerous drive with my business partner; I guess being away isn't so bad afterall. This blog usually attempts to bring you answers to some of the world's largest issues, but not today. I did spend some time today thinking about what I could solve for you, but I guess I was just a little too inquisitive today. I found myself wondering about alot today, perhaps because I'm away and a little out of my element (or it could also be the Hooters next to my Hotel). By the way, if there are any Arizona State University students, alumni or officials reading, your campus is very impressive.

Anyway, so you'll know where my head was today, I've assembled a list of things that I wondered about, in no particular order:

1. How did we figure out how to build a space station before we made a can with a pull-top?
2. Why does a dog get mad at you when you blow in its face, but then stick its whole head out of the window when you take it for a drive?
3. Why is it you can stand 2 feet from the next customer at the counter inside a bank when they're discussing their account, but you can't be within 15 feet of a person at an ATM?
4. Why do I have to keep ironing my clothes if I do it on permanent press?
5. Why are there instructions in some restrooms for washing your hands? If you don't already know how to do that, should you really be in there alone?
6. If 3 out of 5 men "suffer" from erectile dysfunction, does that mean the other 2 enjoy it?
7. Why do people say they bought a "pair" of pants when they only got one?
8. If the going rate is only a penny for your thoughts, why do people always put in their two cents worth?
9. Who's the cruel person who decided to put an "s" in the word "lisp?"
10. After student doctors graduate, why do they continue to "practice?" Are there any doctors who no longer need to "practice?" That scares me.

Ok, so that's it. Perhaps I'll have answers for some of those questions for you in coming posts, but in the meantime, keep your eyes on the road .... those people who don't know how to wash their hands might be on the road.

Danger is my Middle Name

Welcome back everyone to another post from The View from the Front Seat. It's going to be a little different for a few days as it's coming to you from beautiful, downtown Tempe, Arizona ... home the Arizona State University Sun Devils. I traveled here on a business trip without my business partner, so the commute to work (the focus of this blog) will obviously be a little different for the next few posts. So my day started off early this morning being herded like sheep through various security check points and processes (removing shoes, being careful not to say anything that can be construed as "suspicious," etc) as I was making my way to my flights to get me to Tempe.

All the while I was thinking how strange it is that we would put so much effort into strengthening security at airports (which I agree should have been done) and not really do much about other potentially dangerous situations. I can tell you my girlfriend is a nervous wreck when I travel, always tracking my flights online and making me call after each leg of the journey, etc. What people often forget is all the other dangerous (many even much more dangerous than flying) situations people face everyday. As a bit of a reminder, I've assembled a list of some of these things; perhaps we can work together to come up with solutions to protect us from these equally dangerous risks (arranged in no particular order):

1. Driving in a smart car. Come on people ... these are not smart cars ... not only do you look dumber than everyone else on the road, but if you were to collide with a bug any larger than a housefly your smart car would crumple into a piece of tin you could fit in your pocket.
2. Bringing a camera phone into a Michael Richards show. You think security at airports is tough now? You'll certainly be in the minority if you try to tape some of this show.
3. Going on the Jerry Springer show. Oh nevermind ... these idiots deserve everything they get.
4. Driving with Nicole Richey. The key mitigation strategy here is to try to get her to eat something before she drinks.
5. Bringing Mel Gibson as your guest to a bar mitzvah. You may wish to nominate Mel to be the designated driver for this party.
6. Bending over to pick up the soap in a prison shower. Let it go my friend ... better to let it go down the drain than to take one in the drain, if you know what I'm saying.
7. Marrying / dating OJ. You may argue with me about that, but I betcha you wouldn't give it a go either.
8. Buying meat in New York City, unless of course you're actually looking for armadillo, chimpanzees, iguanas, turtles, etc .... See "Smells like Fish, Tastes Like ... Armadillo?" for more.
9. Being the only person with a donut at a Jenny Craig meeting. It's better to take your chances with a bunch of hungry dobermans.
10. Sleeping over at Michael Jackson's place. Enough said.

So there you have it. There are all kinds of things more dangerous than flying that nobody thinks twice about ... in my opinion, it kinda takes the fear out of flying. Anyway, I've offended enough people for one day; I'll pick you up again tomorrow. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... dangers lurk everywhere ...

Man faces Hard Time for Stiffy Fetish

Hello again adoring fans; it's very exciting to have you back along for the first ride of 2007. I promise you that 2007 will be as packed with world changing commentary and problem solving as 2006 was, compliments of the boys from Cross the Line Designs. We know what's it like trying to get back into the swing of things after all the turkey and beverages over the holidays, so we're going to start you off slowly and gradually help you work your way back into your regular position with us as we describe for you the view from the front seat; this short post really has nothing to do with me trying to get ready for my business trip to beautiful Arizona in the morning.

Ok ... so here goes ... the first disappointing post of 2007 (I apologize in advance). The Associated Press reported yesterday that a man living in Detroit faces life in prison just for grabbing a few woodies .... only not the "woodies" you may be thinking I mean (that would just be plain wrong) .... I'm talking about mannequins. This guy has been smashing windows and breaking into places to sweep these ladies off their feet and ... um ... also satisfy his fetish. But I mean, who can blame the guy nowadays ... I'm obviously not the only one who's been noticing these little dolls have been getting more attractive over the years. I saw one the other day in the mall and she had an ... oh forget it ....

His latest smash and dash resulted in him running away with an exotic young imported mannequin sporting a sexy french maid's outfit. Since he's done this so often, the poor fellow now faces life (yes I said LIFE) in prison. Kinda seems like a stiff (Mom, I apologize if you're reading this) penalty wouldn't you say? Help me out here, but do we ever give a guy a life sentence who inappropriately touches, let's say .... a REAL woman??? He's also nowhere near as bad as the guys I told you about in my post on Dec 2, titled "Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places" (click the title to read the post) and those guys didn't get life in prison.

Well that's all I have for today; I'll pick you up again tomorrow when I have more time to talk about the view we had from the front seat. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... not on the dolls in other vehicles, you accident causing rubber-neckers.