There's Something Fishy about this Toilet

Hello again everyone and welcome back to another exciting commute to work with the boys from Cross the Line Designs. The view we had from the front seat today was ... interesting, if nothing else. Today we talked about places where we like to have fun; I certainly have a few on my list. Walt Disney World, of course, is and likely always will be at the top of my list; it is, afterall, the most magical place on earth ... but that's an obvious one. There are others.

One of my favorite places to have fun though that would likely surprise most of you is .... the restroom (and it's also where I do some of my best thinking for some reason). AND it even just became a whole lot more exciting!!! According to Reuters, AquaOne Technologies Inc., out of California, has started selling the Fish 'n Flush, a two piece toilet tank containing a see through aquarium that wraps around a traditonal toilet tank. For those of us who don't mind being watched when when go, we can now pee with the fishes or talk about another big one that got away from us, so to speak. I'm not exactly sure what kind of fish would be best for the tank, but I'm thinking anything from the smelt (I'm really sorry for that) species would probably be appropriate. Now when someone says "Ewwww ... it smells like someone died in there ..." it may actually be true. Folks are also marketing this as a great way to assist their children with potty training, so i guess the new toilet makes the restroom both fun and educational.

News of this certainly made me reflect upon what made restrooms a fun place prior to the advent of the new Fish 'n Flush. As a result, I've compiled a list of my former favorite things to do in a restroom, which will be especially beneficial to those of you who can't afford the Fish 'n Flush or just think it's plain weird to go fishing in there. Ok, so here's the fun list ... I will not be held responsible for the consequences:

1. Cheer and clap loudly each time someone breaks the silence with a bodily function noise;
2. Squirt a bottle of Mountain Dew erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling "Whoa! Easy boy!"
3. Say "Hmmm ... I've never seen that color before;"
4. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from about 6 to 8 feet above;
5. Say "Now how did that get there?";
6. Squish a snickers candy bar in your hand, reach under the stall and say "You got anymore toilet paper over there? This side's completely out;"
7. Say "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me;"
8. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks;
9. Say "Interesting ... more sinkers than floaters;" and
10. Spread peanut butteron a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbour. then say, "Whoops, could you kick that ack over here please?"

I certainly can't take credit for coming up with all of the fun restroom games, but I can vouch for their effectiveness and guarantee you hours and hours of slap your ass excitement. By the way, I prefer chunky peanut butter for #10.

Ok, that's all the farting around I can manage for today; I'll be back to dump more on you again tomorrow. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... shit happens.

Unticketed Passenger Sneaks on Plane and Attacks

Welcome back folks! I am now back home from beautiful Tempe, Arizona and finally back to normal, which means a regular commute to work with my business partner, along with an update on the never dull discussion ... or what we like to call The View from the Front Seat. So what was on my mind today? Well I just returned from Arizona via air, so flying was still on my mind.

Well it was one of those trips marred by delays, as if it isn't bad enough having to show up so early before your flight leaves in the first place. The reason? Maintenance. Apparently, there was smoke coming from the bathroom on the plane, which suggests to a small minded person like myself that perhaps something is or was on fire. It stands to reason that after announcing that to a group of people who are due to get onto the plane that the customers may be a little reluctant to actually get onto the plane and that maybe they should consider getting a different plane. However, not to the group of top notch aeronautical technicians working that particular shift, as they decided to try to "fix it." Hmmm ... you know, again I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but it seems to me like it'd be a bit of a tough sell to get everybody on the plane after it's been on fire, even if they said they "fixed it."

Anyhow, after at least of couple of hours of trying to fix the plane, they decided that they actually couldn't fix it (which was shockingly surprising to all of us uneducated passengers) and decided to wait for another plane to come in that wasn't actually scheduled to go back out anywhere else. So, another couple of hours after that, one actually arrived that didn't have any further plans for the evening and we were all able to get on board and fly home, but I didn't get home until the middle of the night, so I was a bit tired and cranky the next day ... which really isn't that different from my typical mood. So why'd I tell you this boring story? Because, apparently, some flights are actually worse than mine.

Reuters has reported that a man on an American Airlines flight from Miami to Toronto was stung by a scorpion, which crawled out of the man's own napsack. The man had been camping in Costa Rica with his brother and surmised the scorpion hid out in his bag while there. After an intense interrogation session, security officials reported that the clever scorpion impersonated a hair brush, which allowed the scorpion to escape detection during the x-ray examination of the carry-on bagage. Always quick to act when safety is at risk, American Airlines has apparently already changed their list of prohibited carry-on items to include dangerous arachnids and have provided enhanced training so security screeners to help them detect them in their disguised forms. As if there's not enough to worry about when flying these days. The return flight was delayed while authorities searched the plane for more of the South American free-loaders.

Before I go I have to update you on a story I passed onto you Friday. In the post "Thief's bag full of Pee," I described the story of a gentleman the British Police were hunting for in connection with the theft of a urinal from a British pub. Toilet owners everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief, as the guy couldn't keep it in any longer and has turned himself in, urinal still in hand. The man claimed he took the urinal as a souvenir, contrary to guesses that he may have been a plumber hoping to sell the urinal. In any event, the Pub owners are reported to have been quite relieved (sorry for that) to get their toilet back and hoped it would lead to less men being left hanging (if you know what I'm saying) in restroom.

I'll mention one more piece of exciting news ... Cross the Line Designs has introduced the first pieces in our new St. Patrick's Day line of clothing. Check them out here and make sure you're ready for one of the biggest parties of the year.

That's all for today. We'll pick you up again tomorrow for the commute to work. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... you never know when somethin's going to Cross the Line (I couldn't help one more plug ... I haven't done it in a long time).

Thief's Bag full of Pee

Welcome back to the View from the Front Seat, which is still temporarily coming to you from beautiful Tempe, Arizona, home of the ASU Sun Devils. Speaking of devils, I've got a story for you of a thief who definitely has a lot of balls, so to speak. According to Reuters, the British police are on the lookout for a guy who was captured on video stealing a urinal from a restroom in a Southampton pub. That thief sure put the "p" in swipe, if you know what I'm saying.

Apparently he demonstrated he was quite a toilet wiz (Oh God, I'm starting with the bad puns again) from the way he efficiently disconnected the water, removed the urinal from the wall, stuffed it in an obviously large backpack and walked out with it. A guy certainly has to have a large bag (in more ways than one) to do that, doesn't he? I thought the guy had to be piss (sorry) loaded, but according to the story he only ordered half a pint. Owners of the pub couldn't hold it in any longer and when asked about it, they exploded about how peeved they and their patrons are, as a lot of the guys have just been hanging out (I really have to stop doing that) in the restroom since the theft ... there's certainly a lot of unhappee peeple. I'm not sure whether the thief will face any pisson (I mean prison) time for this, but I don't think I'd risk it. In any event Mr. Toilet Thief, urinal lot of trouble when the Police flush (I can't help pissing out the puns tonight) you out of hiding.

Alright, that's all I can stomach for tonight; I'm going to go try to get the "p" back in my pride. I'll pick you up again for the commute next week, when I'll be back home and back to normal, sharing the wisdom from the commutes to work with my business partner. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road .... and make sure you use the bathroom before you go; you never know where you'll find the next toilet.

Boy Wonder or Wonder Boy?

Hey hey folks; welcome back. I'm still in Tempe for another few days so the commute to work was an elevator ride this morning, rather than a dangerous drive with my business partner; I guess being away isn't so bad afterall. This blog usually attempts to bring you answers to some of the world's largest issues, but not today. I did spend some time today thinking about what I could solve for you, but I guess I was just a little too inquisitive today. I found myself wondering about alot today, perhaps because I'm away and a little out of my element (or it could also be the Hooters next to my Hotel). By the way, if there are any Arizona State University students, alumni or officials reading, your campus is very impressive.

Anyway, so you'll know where my head was today, I've assembled a list of things that I wondered about, in no particular order:

1. How did we figure out how to build a space station before we made a can with a pull-top?
2. Why does a dog get mad at you when you blow in its face, but then stick its whole head out of the window when you take it for a drive?
3. Why is it you can stand 2 feet from the next customer at the counter inside a bank when they're discussing their account, but you can't be within 15 feet of a person at an ATM?
4. Why do I have to keep ironing my clothes if I do it on permanent press?
5. Why are there instructions in some restrooms for washing your hands? If you don't already know how to do that, should you really be in there alone?
6. If 3 out of 5 men "suffer" from erectile dysfunction, does that mean the other 2 enjoy it?
7. Why do people say they bought a "pair" of pants when they only got one?
8. If the going rate is only a penny for your thoughts, why do people always put in their two cents worth?
9. Who's the cruel person who decided to put an "s" in the word "lisp?"
10. After student doctors graduate, why do they continue to "practice?" Are there any doctors who no longer need to "practice?" That scares me.

Ok, so that's it. Perhaps I'll have answers for some of those questions for you in coming posts, but in the meantime, keep your eyes on the road .... those people who don't know how to wash their hands might be on the road.

Danger is my Middle Name

Welcome back everyone to another post from The View from the Front Seat. It's going to be a little different for a few days as it's coming to you from beautiful, downtown Tempe, Arizona ... home the Arizona State University Sun Devils. I traveled here on a business trip without my business partner, so the commute to work (the focus of this blog) will obviously be a little different for the next few posts. So my day started off early this morning being herded like sheep through various security check points and processes (removing shoes, being careful not to say anything that can be construed as "suspicious," etc) as I was making my way to my flights to get me to Tempe.

All the while I was thinking how strange it is that we would put so much effort into strengthening security at airports (which I agree should have been done) and not really do much about other potentially dangerous situations. I can tell you my girlfriend is a nervous wreck when I travel, always tracking my flights online and making me call after each leg of the journey, etc. What people often forget is all the other dangerous (many even much more dangerous than flying) situations people face everyday. As a bit of a reminder, I've assembled a list of some of these things; perhaps we can work together to come up with solutions to protect us from these equally dangerous risks (arranged in no particular order):

1. Driving in a smart car. Come on people ... these are not smart cars ... not only do you look dumber than everyone else on the road, but if you were to collide with a bug any larger than a housefly your smart car would crumple into a piece of tin you could fit in your pocket.
2. Bringing a camera phone into a Michael Richards show. You think security at airports is tough now? You'll certainly be in the minority if you try to tape some of this show.
3. Going on the Jerry Springer show. Oh nevermind ... these idiots deserve everything they get.
4. Driving with Nicole Richey. The key mitigation strategy here is to try to get her to eat something before she drinks.
5. Bringing Mel Gibson as your guest to a bar mitzvah. You may wish to nominate Mel to be the designated driver for this party.
6. Bending over to pick up the soap in a prison shower. Let it go my friend ... better to let it go down the drain than to take one in the drain, if you know what I'm saying.
7. Marrying / dating OJ. You may argue with me about that, but I betcha you wouldn't give it a go either.
8. Buying meat in New York City, unless of course you're actually looking for armadillo, chimpanzees, iguanas, turtles, etc .... See "Smells like Fish, Tastes Like ... Armadillo?" for more.
9. Being the only person with a donut at a Jenny Craig meeting. It's better to take your chances with a bunch of hungry dobermans.
10. Sleeping over at Michael Jackson's place. Enough said.

So there you have it. There are all kinds of things more dangerous than flying that nobody thinks twice about ... in my opinion, it kinda takes the fear out of flying. Anyway, I've offended enough people for one day; I'll pick you up again tomorrow. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... dangers lurk everywhere ...

Man faces Hard Time for Stiffy Fetish

Hello again adoring fans; it's very exciting to have you back along for the first ride of 2007. I promise you that 2007 will be as packed with world changing commentary and problem solving as 2006 was, compliments of the boys from Cross the Line Designs. We know what's it like trying to get back into the swing of things after all the turkey and beverages over the holidays, so we're going to start you off slowly and gradually help you work your way back into your regular position with us as we describe for you the view from the front seat; this short post really has nothing to do with me trying to get ready for my business trip to beautiful Arizona in the morning.

Ok ... so here goes ... the first disappointing post of 2007 (I apologize in advance). The Associated Press reported yesterday that a man living in Detroit faces life in prison just for grabbing a few woodies .... only not the "woodies" you may be thinking I mean (that would just be plain wrong) .... I'm talking about mannequins. This guy has been smashing windows and breaking into places to sweep these ladies off their feet and ... um ... also satisfy his fetish. But I mean, who can blame the guy nowadays ... I'm obviously not the only one who's been noticing these little dolls have been getting more attractive over the years. I saw one the other day in the mall and she had an ... oh forget it ....

His latest smash and dash resulted in him running away with an exotic young imported mannequin sporting a sexy french maid's outfit. Since he's done this so often, the poor fellow now faces life (yes I said LIFE) in prison. Kinda seems like a stiff (Mom, I apologize if you're reading this) penalty wouldn't you say? Help me out here, but do we ever give a guy a life sentence who inappropriately touches, let's say .... a REAL woman??? He's also nowhere near as bad as the guys I told you about in my post on Dec 2, titled "Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places" (click the title to read the post) and those guys didn't get life in prison.

Well that's all I have for today; I'll pick you up again tomorrow when I have more time to talk about the view we had from the front seat. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... not on the dolls in other vehicles, you accident causing rubber-neckers.

A Dirty End to 2006

Welcome back riders; thank you for joining us for another commute to work ... the last commute of 2006! Well, I was really hoping that my business partner and I would be discussing something that would be intelligent and stimulating for you, to bring 2006 to a nice close, but we weren't able to fight our natural predisposition to fall into the degrading (but surprisingly comfortable) position of talking about all things sexual, which should come as no surprise to those of you who ride along with us often. So, the topic for today .... things (words, expressions, etc) that sound dirty, but really aren't. We have quite a talent for making anything sound sexual, but what we talked about today are things that didn't even require our manipulation to sound dirty.

I no longer recall how we got started on this, but our first line of discussion was common words or expressions in the English language that sound dirty, and not just to us. To confirm our immaturity for everyone (not that it's likely there's anyone that doesn't already know this) I have compiled a list of our top ten picks (out of the seemingly endless list that sounds dirty to us). Here they are (you have my apologies in advance):

10. cocktail - is that what that growth is?
9. kumquat - fruit or vegetable? Not sure, but I'm sure not trying it.
8. assassin - I just think "ass-ass-in" is funny
7. blowhole - rather see one on a whale than the wall of a bathroom stall
6. humpday - I really wish there was one of these, rather than just my birthday and Valentine's Day
5. cum laude - not sure exactly what this means, but I did't finish top of my class either
4. Bangkok - I don't think I'll visit, but I hear it's popular with the ladies
3. caucus - they sure do give it to us whenever they can
2. clean and jerk - what my business partner does every Friday night; no, he's not a weight lifter
1. homo erectus - 'nuff said

I was thinking of leaving it at that, but I can't stop myself (I know it's pathetic, but everyone has to be something). Here are a few more that didn't quite make the top ten list: shuttle cock, angina, cocky, cumin, rimshot, knee jerk, horticulture, pussywillow, seaman, uranus, tight end, motherlode, homogeneous .... ok I feel dirty enough to shower now.

It's things like this discussion that often make us reflect upon our likelihood of ending up in Court someday, defending the actions we took or things we said, etc .... which brought us to also think today about those things we may hear in Court that can also be construed (mostly by people like us - which is why we'll be in Court in the first place) as dirty. Here's our top ten list of things heard in Court that sound dirty, but really aren't:

10. I'd like to examine her in camera
9. That was one hard judge
8. He was about to blow it, so my lawyer withdrew at the last minute
7. Should we leave the handcuffs on?
6. He committed a penal offense
5. This is going to be quick and dirty
4. I'd like to see her briefs
3. Let's do it in Chambers
2. I want you to get me off
1. I'd be happy with a hung jury

If I don't stop now I may actually end up in Court, so that's it for this year. Thank you all for reading in 2006. I hope you have a very Happy New Year; I'll pick you up again next week. in the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... and mind out of the gutter.

Australia Invaded - War Declared

Welcome back to another surely exciting ride with the boys from Cross the Line Designs. Actually, today your ride is with only one of the boys, as I discovered my business partner overslept on his day to drive, but that's not all bad I guess. On the one hand it was a little nippy waiting for him to arrive (which he didn't - I woke him up when I called to ask him where the %&$* he was), but on the other hand, it made for a safer, less stressful ride to work today. If your memory is good, you'll remember a post from December 14 (click here if you don't remember), which proves my driving ability is superior to my business partner's.

Oh yes, right, the reason you're reading this .... um ... I have some shocking news for you today. The fight against weapons of mass destruction has taken an unlikely turn. After NATO's search in Iraq left them empty handed, there was much talk about where the weapons of mass destruction may have gone. One of the most common theories at the time was that the weapons were moved to Pakistan, BUT it turns out they're in Australia! Who would have ever thought? According to REUTERS, an invasion of northern Australia has commenced, covering approximately 1,900 miles from Queensland to Darwin. And the invaders are taking no prisoners; they've even been wiping out animal species along their way like snakes, goanna lizards and quolls (cat-sized marsupials). Accordingly, Australia's military have been asked to scramble to fight back the invasion of, get this, over 200 million ........ cane toads (which I think are kind of a more elite group within the invading toad military, similar to the Navy Seals).

That's right ... I said cane toads! Don't laugh though; their skin is poisonous and they really have been weapons of mass destruction for certain Australian animal species, like the ones mentioned above. Apparently, the Australians decided to introduce a population of 101 of the cane toads to Australia (that they got from Hawaii) back in 1935 in a failed attempt to control the population of native cane beetles; the Hawaiians are still sticking out their long tongues at the Aussies about this. From the initial 101 cane toads (wasn't there a movie about this or am I thinking of another animal?) in 1935, they have now spread to a population of more than 200 million (now that's a whole lot of ... well ... you know .... froggy style, if you know what I'm saying).

The Aussies certainly have their hands full ... with air rifles and golf clubs ... which are a couple of the weapons of choice in fighting the invasion. Up until now, the toads advance has allowed them to capture approximately 25 more miles of territory each year, having now achieved "near-plague proportions" status. This is one of my favorite parts .... if that wasn't enough, the toads (like many military nations) have been working hard (and have been successful) at developing a stronger, faster soldier (I mean toad). According to REUTERS, the "cane toads have evolved bigger legs to help them move faster." Australian military officials have been meeting with their cane toad counterparts in an attempt to negotiate certain land rights in exchange for some of the toads' military evolutionary secrets, but the toads have, thus far, not been willing to share. Apparently, this has the Aussie side "hopping mad," to which the toads have responded that they "can take every little ribbet of what the Aussies can dish and will be in Australia well after every last Aussie croaks" (sorry ... sometimes I can't even look at myself anymore).

Ok, that's all of this I can take for today, but I'll be back to invade the blogosphere again tomorrow. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... you never now what's going to hop into your path.

Why Saddam Should Not be Hanged

Aw ... look at all the happy people making their way back to join us for another commute to work; you all look very nice in your new Christmas sweaters. I have to say it was hard being away from everyone and not posting anything to the blog for the past several days; I know Christmas is probably the one time of year you need our always sound advice the most ... things can be tough over the holidays. Speaking of which, I'm sure most of you have heard by now that the Appeals Court in Iraq has upheld the death sentence imposed upon poor Saddam Hussein; according to law in Iraq the sentence must be carried out within 30 days, which puts the deadline (sorry for that Saddam) at January 27.

So, you guessed it, the topic for discussion today during the commute was ... death ... in keeping with the spirit of Christmas ... and once again we had a very clear view from the front seat about how things should really be rolling out here ... surprise, surprise (by the way, I hope Saddam likes surprises too). So, I have to say upfront that we don't have an issue with the fact that Hussein has been sentenced to death; we think that's fitting for the crimes he committed. In fact, we applaud Iraq for establishing law that allows them to avoid the tax payer burden of keeping a criminal alive for 20-30 years after having been sentenced to death (within 30 days sounds great to me), like it is in the US. We would, however, challenge the mode of execution.

We feel death by hanging is letting Saddam off a little too easy, unlike some of the punishments he imposed upon his own residents. Instead of hanging, we think it'd be a little more fitting if he were sent to the gas chamber, but not just a regular gas chamber. Back on December 19, The View from the Front Seat discussed alternative (likely more effective) punishments for those who have committed crimes (to see that post click here). I think we have an opportunity here to further that new way of thinking about sanctions. Let me explain .....

The Associated Press recently reported a violent incident at a jail between two cell mates, resulting from one inmate getting all gassed up about his cell mate's excessive flatulence; there was no place for him to go to avoid it, so I guess he felt it was best if he tried to cut off the gas line at it's source. So what we're thinking Iraq should do is learn from this experience and lock up the old fart (I mean Saddam) in the new style gas chamber with someone who tends to air things out in a manner similar to the situation reported on by the Associated Press. Since the prison also controls the diet of the inmates, it would obviously be very responsible of them to ensure Hussein's roomie received plenty of fiber in his meals (I mean, they have to make sure inmates are eating properly; there's no need to be cruel....). Despite the fact that Saddam and his defense team would likely kick up a stink about it (I know, that's just plain unfriendly of me), that would surely be more unpleasant than the hanging and more in line with the spirit of torture that Hussein favored when he was in power. I would have recommended pairing up Saddam (who we could then nickname "Saddamn that stinks Hussein") with the lady who brought down the American Airlines flight from DC to Dallas, with her little chemical issue, but the FBI couldn't get close enough to her to charge her (click here to see more on that).

Anyway, those are just our thoughts on how to improve upon that nasty ass situation over there in Iraq. We'll be back again with more thoughts on the world's problems tomorrow. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road .... and your windows down, if you have to drive with anyone like the guy I do.

Spain puts the Christ in Christmas

Ok, why are you people here, rather than out shopping? You only have a few short days left. Actually, why am I writing this and not out shopping? Now would probably be a great time to start. Oh well, I guess I should hit the malls, but before I go I want to tell you about the view we had from the front seat today during our commute to work. There's only one thing for two pretty cool, masculine (aside from the whole metrosexual thing) guys to talk about this time of year ... drinking! This is exactly what some of the leaders of certain countries must have been doing when they came up with some of their annual Christmas customs.

You know, I'm not saying that all of our Christmas customs or figures make complete sense; we do, after all, cherish a flying reindeer with a red nose that glows so bright it can lead a sleigh full of presents and a fat man across the night sky to deliver presents to every house in the world, but we're nowhere near the wackiest. Take for instance "El Caganer," (who always gets Santa saying "Oh Oh Oh" everytime he gets to Spain) also affectionately known as the ... um .... great defecator. Now the great defecator, of course, is a peasant who you can see in nativity scenes squatting behind rocks, with his butt exposed, taking care of business. I'm not suggesting there's anything wrong with that ... it's a perfectly natural function ... and most people have surely found themselves in a situation where time was of the essence, so they've found places to go that were a little more connected with Mother Nature than the special place in your home. What I am a little curious about is how this could play such, as the Associated Press reported recently, "an important role in Christmas festivities."

Apparently the tradition dates back to the 17th century agricultural societies, where defecation more or less symbolized health and fertility. I think it may also have had something to do with the bad drugs they had in Spain back in the 17th century. But people today are obviously smoking the same stuff, as many place statues of the Great One (and I'm not talking about Wayne Gretzky) on their mantles and even worse ..... Apparently pastry shops around parts of Spain sell "treats" that are shaped like feces. I can tell you my favorite has always been the chocolate poopsicles, narrowly beating out the candy poopcorn .. that some people also string around their trees.

Being true role models, the parents in Catalonia make sure the children have an opportunity to participate in the celebration of their customs. On Christmas Eve the children play a game where they beat a hollow log (that wasn't even my joke), called the "tio," trying to get the presents out that are stuffed inside (that's correct ... they beat the shit right out of it). While doing this they sing a song (that I think is called "Have Yourself a Shitty Little Christmas") that urges the tio to poop out the presents from the other end. No, I'm not making this crap up (sorry for all the defecation references, I just can't hold it in ... I have verbal diarrhea I guess).

The moral of the story is, for all you folks out there who get depressed around Christmas because of all the shit you have to deal with, just remember .... it could be shittier. I hope you can take solace (or an enema - if that's how you roll) in that and get yourselves through to the New Year. I just hope crap like this doesn't ever gain in poopularity around these parts because, let's fece it (I mean face it), that custom is freaking weird. Again, I'm really sorry for all the shitty jokes.

That's all for today folks. So until next time, keep your eyes on the road .... not on the guy in the bushes.

Britney Spears Wins Parenting Award

Hello again and welcome back to another exhilirating commute to work with us; I hope you enjoy your view today. Alright, we all know what a popular topic Britney Spears seems to be on the Internet. Regardless of what Britney does, it seems to be news; from partying to flashing to performing to parenting, if Britney does it ... we hear it. And it's almost always negative. However, we're hoping to turn things around a little bit here by announcing that Britney Spears is this year's winner of the Cross the Line Designs (yah that's my company) "I'm Not The Worst Parent In The World Award!"

We've heard some outrage over the past year with respect to some of the "horrible" things that Britney has done to little Sean, like: almost drop him while trying to avoid paparazzi, allow him to fall from a highchair, drive with him on her lap and generally act in a non-motherly way by partying, flashing the goods, etc .... Well from the perspective of a young, single guy with no children (so I obviously know what I'm talking about here) that's pretty freaking great, compared to some of the other things I hear about or have the pleasure of witnessing myself.

For instance, the Associated Press just reported on a couple of situations that people may consider to fall within the "not so great" category when it comes to parenting, but doesn't seem to be evoking the attention and outrage that Britney's actions did. The first incident involved parents "accidentally" leaving their 3 month old child abandoned in a shopping cart in Toys R Us for about an hour, each thinking the other parent had the child. Hmmm .... I haven't heard of a situation where Britney didn't at least know where her children were. Another recent event involved a grandmother mistakenly placing her 1 month old grandson through an x-ray machine at the Los Angeles International Airport. Luckily one of the workers noticed the baby's image on the monitor and removed the child from the machine as quickly as she could. The baby was then taken to the hospital, where x-rays obviously were no longer necessary, to be checked out; luckily the baby didn't receive a dangerous amount of radiation from the machine.

What about the stories we hear about of parents who willingly place their children in harm. Like the woman who was recently charged with allowing a man to molest her daughter (while she held her down) over 200 times for $20 each time??? Too extreme to compare? Well think back to the last time you visited the grocery store or the mall. I bet you saw some parent screaming at their child, or roughly grabbing their child or, even in some cases, striking their child ... right in the public eye ... just imagine what goes on at home.

Well what about the "lewd" activities that Britney has been involving herself in? What a bunch of two-faced people out there. I surely can't be the only person around who's in the unique position of seeing parents doing waaaaaay worse than Britney has reportedly done. Britney may have forgotten her underwear, but at least she kept her dress on ... I've seen all kinds of mommies who seemingly have forgotten more than that when they're out on the town. And if you all think she's such a bad parent, why are you complaining about Britney leaving her kids home with someone who's surely better able to take care of them than she is?

We should not be casting stones. On the contrary, we should be applauding Britney for only being in the positions we've found her in, despite the fact that her every move in life is captured on film. If those are all the bad things that have happened, I'd bet she's in the better half of parents. Now give yourself an honest reflection of what's happened on your own watch before you freak out at me for saying that. I bet your child has been in harms way before (intentionally or not) or has actually hurt themselves before from falling, dropping, etc .... I was a kid before, I know the stuff that's happened to me. Just think about what people may see happen on your watch if someone with a camera followed you everywhere you go.

Oh yah, and there's the other little issue of the .... um .... benefits of being Britney's kid. I bet they're not playing with empty milk cartons and thinking it's lego. Anyway Britney, if you're listening, I'd let you babysit anytime, if I had kids and congratulations on the award! By the way, if you're looking for another child and don't mind them being around 6 feet tall, I'm available. You can drop me, drive with me on your lap or pretty much do whatever you like ... I'll understand.

That's it for today, so until next time, keep your eyes on the road ... your kid will be fine in the backseat alone.

People do the Crime Because They CAN do the Time

Welcome back folks to another commute to work with the boys from Cross the Line Designs. Another day ... another problem, but, as always, we believe we have a solution for you, so sit back, relax and enjoy the view from the front seat. Reuters reported yesterday that, according to the FBI, the incidence of violent crimes rose by 3.7% during the first half of 2006, building upon the increase experienced last year. I don't know about you, but I think things are getting a little crazy out there, and with murders, robberies and aggravated assaults on the rise, things just seem to be worsening.

What ever happened to the deterrent factor referred to in the old "don't do the crime if you can't do the time" saying? Well, it's clear to me that people CAN do the time; I'm not certain sending people to prison to carry out conventional sentences is really very effective anymore (or perhaps ever was). It seems to me that we've created a bit of a vicious circle here ... somebody commits a crime ... we send them to jail ... they become even crazier .... they get released ... they do something worse ... we send them back .... they get even crazier .... and round and round we go. Perhaps it's time we consider some alternatives.

I was very pleased to see a report from the Associated Press recently of a unique sentence handed out by a Magistrate, Jeff Bailey (I'm not sure exactly where this was), to a man who illegally parked in a handicapped parking space. He mas made to stand in front of a grocery store with a sign that read "I am not handicapped. I just parked there, sorry." That was absolutely great. To make the person who committed the crime stand amongst the people whom the crime was committed against to make the person really feel how that makes other people feel has got to be more effective than placing the person amongst a large group of other people who have done things wrong ... what are you going to learn from those guys??? If you think about it, it doesn't get much worse than public humiliation for something you've done; therefore, there's likely no more effective method to curb the behaviour in the future. When asked about the sanction imposed, the criminal responded "I know I won't do it no more;" I believe him.

Inspired by Mr. Bailey's brilliantly unique approach to retribution, I am proposing some alternative sanctions to some of the most common (and very serious in some cases) crimes committed:

1. Sexual Assault (more than 93,000 / year) - I propose tying the criminal to a post in a child-free area, removing their clothing and posting a sign that reads "I am such a loser that I have to force people to have sex with me." They'll have the experience of being restrained and vulnerable in an environment where people can (and very likely will) look at, say and do whatever they wish. AND perhaps there'll be people touching the person that the criminal doesn't want to touch them .... now that is something I think a criminal can learn from. If that doesn't work, how about dressing them in a short skirt, Britney Spears style (if you know what I mean), and a halter top that reads "I'm a virgin" and leaving them in the bathroom of a men's prison?
2. Burglary (more than 2.1 million / year) - I'm thinking we should have an open house, of sorts, where victims of burglary can come into the homes of the criminals and take everything that's important to the criminal, but not until after the victims have an opportunity to destroy things they don't really want to take and completely mess up the criminal's home. These should be published in public places beforehand so people can come over and watch what the victims take and ridicule the criminal while it's all happening.
3. Murder (more than 16,000 / year) - I know this is not completely in alignment with the whole public humiliation theme, but I think there's only one thing to do here. Lethal injection by the folks who administer these in Florida ... these guys will make it hurt ... as it should. They still let people watch, so there is a sort of public humiliation here as well, but there's also no risk of the person re-offending, so it's not as important. For more info on that, see my post from December 15.

You can probably see by now that I'm sort of a fan of the "tit for tat" approach, but I'm willing to bet it's more effective than today's approaches. Anyway, that's all for today, sorry for the crankiness and the serious post. Maybe I'll be in a better mood tomorrow and post something funny. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road .... you never know when you'll have the opportunity to run over a car thief.

There's Nothing like Nue Love

Ahhhh ..... at last, the weekend has ended and we're back to work, which means ..... another week of The View from the Front Seat!!! Are you as excited about that as me??? Oh, speaking of excited, the day may have finally come when men can take back a little self respect and start falling over themselves a little less when it comes to pursuit of the ladies. That's right, it appears men now have a viable back-up plan (or perhaps "Plan A" for some) if we end up striking out with the ladies when we're out on the town. And who knows, maybe we'll even have greater success if we end up looking a little less pathetic and desperate ... just a hunch. So, how can this be, you ask?

I read a story on Wired News about an advancement in personal pleasure devices for men called the "Nue." I think this is really going to level the playing field a bit for us guys, and for those other guys who haven't had much luck in the past, maybe it'll at least get your ass off the bench and into the game ... if not, at least you can have a little more fun in the locker room. The Nue, similar to the Tenga (a masturbation sleeve only available in Japan - I think that's what gives them the business advantage they have), contains disposable sleeves (so no messy clean-up) and supposedly molds nicely around you for a good feel. One of the volunteers for the Wired News story explained "it doesn't feel quite like a human vagina, but I could almost accept it as an alien vagina." Now that intrigued me; think of the marketing opportunities ... "For a feeling that's out of this world, try the Nue ...." Now who wouldn't try that on for size? Oh God, I even astound myself sometimes.

Now guys (and some gals), before you spout off all the "nothing feels quite like a woman's touch" stuff, you may be right, but there are some advantages to the Nue that you may wish to consider, especially if you haven't had your best night with the live variety. For instance:

1. The Nue is only going to cost you about $7;
2. You don't have to lie about your job, income, family and sexual prowess to get into the Nue's pants ... I mean sleeve;
3. The Nue doesn't care if you pass out half way through;
4. You don't have to worry about finishing first;
5. You don't have to worry about washing your socks anymore;
6. Dudes ... for some of you, this is all you're going to get;
7. You don't have to stop watching the football game for 3 minutes;
8. You don't have to call the Nue the next day;
9. You don't have to come up with an excuse for your performance ... because ...
10. It doesn't matter that you're the only one satisfied.

The only issue it seems the Nue has is that the volunteers indicated it would work better if it was fastened to some sort of rack, so you can have both hands free. Come on though, what guys today aren't already looking for a nice rack? Again, I'm so sorry for this, but I'm always a little friskier at the beginning of the week.

I hope I got this to you before you finished your Christmas wish list guys. Anyway, that's all for today folks, so until next, keep your eyes on the road ..... and BOTH hands on the wheel.

Execution of Execution Botched?

Sadly, we have reached the end of another exciting week of posts from The View from the Front Seat, which puts me in a bit of a bad mood to begin with. So, you may find this post a little heavier than the usual light-hearted (some may say "silly," but we don't need to talk about them) look at what's going on in the world. I was checking up on what was going on in the world around me today and I found a story from the Associated Press about Florida and California halting executions after Florida "botched" a lethal injection.

I have to admit I found the logic and commentary around this greatly ironic. Florida was applying a lethal injection to inmate Angel Nieves Diaz, who murdered the manager of a Miami topless bar in 1979. Instead of the usual 15 minutes, it took 34 minutes for the execution to be completed because the needle was accidentally pushed entirely through the vein instead of just inside of it. Governor Jeb Bush suspended future executions "to ensure the process does not constitute cruel and unusual punishment." Diaz's attorney added her thoughts to the situation as well, indicating that it "shows a complete disregard for Mr. Diaz."

Perhaps I'm going crazy here, but aren't folks missing the bigger picture? Firstly, I'm thinking Mr. Diaz showed a bit of disregard for the gentleman he murdered in 1979. Secondly, despite that disregard Florida paid Mr. Diaz the courtesy of keeping him alive for approximately 27 years after he disregarded his victim. Thirdly, to address Jeb's concern about cruel and unusual punishment ..... um .... wouldn't the execution itself kinda constitute some cruel punishment? Dude, you're killing a guy ... I consider that pretty serious punishment. I don't get how the additional 15 minutes and a little more discomfort suddenly makes the situation cross the line into cruel and unusual punishment. And lastly, don't they still let people watch this happen? Where does that fall on the scale of "disregard" for people or "cruel and unusual punishment?"

Big picture people ..... we're arguing about this because of a few extra minutes and some additional discomfort .... when we've already decided to do some pretty serious things to a guy who showed some pretty hateful disregard for someone himself. When compared to the original murder, the decision to execute the criminal and propping him up in front of people to watch it all .... I'm thinking the part people are calling "botched" is like focusing on the 5 feet of grass in your backyard that burned after someone burned your house down.

Am I crazy?

That's it for today, so until next time, keep your eyes on the road ... you don't want to "botch" your vehicle.

Safer Roads with Safer Sex

Well hello folks; thanks for joining us for another commute. We had a very interesting and rewarding view from the front seat today; a HUGE difference from yesterday. Yesterday was certainly a day I'm trying to forget, but today .... today was a good day.

Signs, signs, everywhere are signs ... but it's not the road signs that are the most important signs when driving anymore. Based on a study I heard about today, I am very pleased to inform you that you are travelling with a couple of the safest drivers on the road when you join us for our commute to work ... the view from the front seat, if not interesting, is at least safe. Apparently, InsuranceHotline.com has recently completed a study of 100,000 North American drivers over the past 6 years and have found a significant correlation between driving safety and astrological signs, moreso than other factors (like age). Here's the great part .... Leos (those born between July 23 and August 22 - like ME) turned out to be the best drivers on the road (based upon number of traffic violations and accidents). This is great for three reasons:

1. I have now received the recognition I so dearly deserve for my driving abilities,
2. I have scientific evidence that my business partner Robert, who I carpool with, is not as good a driver as me, and
3. I found out that Leos are also "bedroom acrobats" .. not that I didn't already know that, but it was nice seeing it in writing. I know that has nothing to do with driving, but it's obviously worth pointing out, don't you think? There was one other site that labelled Leos as "egotistical," but there obviously mixed up.

However, the fact that Robert's Astrological Sign, Geminis May 21 - June 20), fared second best in the study, calls the results somewhat into question for me. It is true that he has never actually gotten us into an accident or received a ticket (when I've been there), so I guess the results may "technically" be valid, BUT I'm certain that a study with a slightly different focus would demonstrate that Geminis are the luckiest drivers on the road ... because we have had a pile of very close calls with him driving.

Who's the worst you ask? According to the study Libras (September 23 - October 22) are the worst, followed by Aquarians (January 20 - February 18). I am currently trying to teach an Aquarian to drive, so I can vouch for the validity of the study. I do feel bad, however, because it's obviously not her fault (although I thought it was in the beginning) ... it's her parent's fault. Now, if you've been paying attention to previous postings you'll know that Robert and I are problem solvers ... and here's another solution to one of the world's problems, road safety.

If we all work together, we can eventually eliminate the two worst groups of drivers on the road, thereby improving the safety for everyone on the road AND decrease our insurance rates. Are you on board so far? Good. So, all we have to do is practice safe sex between the following dates: April 20 - May 18 and December 23 - Jan 22. If we do that we will eventually eliminate (but for the odd oooops, if you know what I mean) all Libras and Aquarians, leading to much safer driving and more affordable insurance. Ok, so December 23 is coming up on us quickly folks, so make sure you get to the Pharmacy now, pick up your protection and be part of the solution. Oh, and if you're an Indian man and the condoms are too large, call Germany quickly and see if you can get in on the spray on condoms they're testing.

Ok folks, that's it for today; we'll pick you up again tomorrow. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the road ... there are lots of Libras and Aquarians out there.